Wanderlust

Chapter 1

"Hannah!" Joy's voice bounces down the hallway, stopping me in my tracks. Considering there isn't anyone else around, I can't really pretend that I didn't hear her.

I spin around with the most genuine smile I can muster, watching as she catches up to me. "Joy, hey how are you? I've been meaning to get back to you about that raincheck, I've just had a lot going on."

"Don't even worry about it, girl. We're all very worried about you. And I'm great thanks for asking, but the real question is how are you? You've been going through so much and-"

Yada, yada, yada. This is the part where she mentions how everyone I know and their brother is here for me. I almost check for a sign on my back that says 'PITY ME'.

I appreciate the love and support I've gotten through the trial and my adjustment period. Fortunately the man who killed my sister is behind bars for 25 years to life. The trial is over with. I can move on. I can't move on, however, if people don't stop bringing it up. Their intentions are good, but I don't want their help.

I don't really know what I want yet, but I know it isn't this.

"Hannah?" Shoot. I thought I was nodding my head enough.

"What? Sorry, I'm a bit distracted. Finals are coming up and I'm trying to get all my affairs in order." Which isn't a lie, so I don't feel too terrible about leading her away from the truth.

Her eyes tell me that she believes me and I'm not sure how to feel about being better at hiding my feelings.

"I'd asked if you were to busy to get lunch. There's a great sandwich shop around the corner that I tried out the other day." I can't think of a reason not to go, and I know it will get her off my back so I say yes.

The next thing I know is I'm sitting in the overrated sandwich shop listening to her attempt at small talk. "Joy," I say, stopping her mid weather report. Her mouth closes and I know I have her full attention.

"You don't have to do this. I don't want you to step around my feeling because you're afraid you're going to hurt me. I'm fine, I really am. We can even talk about her if you want to, I know you were close to her."

I'm actually really hoping she won't want to when she nods her head. "I just didn't want to upset you because I can't even imagine how hard this has been for you. I mean she was like a sister to Ms, but she really was yours."

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

"It has been hard, but it gets easier every day. I don't want to stop living my life because she can't live hers, you know? I know she wouldn't want that. And believe it or not, keeping busy has been really helpful. It provides the distraction I need, but I promise I'm not avoiding it. It just keeps me from being sad all the time. I guess I'm more determined to live out my life the best I can because she can't." Joy's eyes are full of tears about to spill over and I look away from her.

By peripheral glance, I see her grab at a napkin and I know she's wiping them away. Suddenly I'm extremely uncomfortable. Talking about what happened doesn't make anything easier, it just makes things awkward and uncomfortable.

I quickly find an excuse to ditch the situation and leave the shop but not before taking care of the check. I leave a tip on the table, wave once more at Joy with an apologetic look on my face, before ducking out the door.

The brisk fall breeze meets my skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. I make my way back to campus, kicking up memories along the way.

When we were younger, Grace loved the fall. It was her favorite season. She loved everything about it: the leaves on the trees, the chilly but not frostbite inducing weather, the outfits, all of it. She would sit on the window seat in our room for hours curled up with a book, her favorite blanket, and a mug of hot chocolate. Living up north, the fall was colder and she absolutely loved it. We spent one year at our grandparents' house in Texas and she decided that she never wanted to be anywhere else in the fall. It just wasn't the same.