Struggle (boyxboy)

Chapter 2

Ryan's POV

I reluctantly got out of bed and hopped into the shower. Taking a shower is always a chore for me. It's not the cleaning myself part about it, it's the getting naked part. I have all these scars on my wrists from when I used to cut myself. All of it reminds me of past events that never fail to make me hurt every time I remember them. I stopped cutting because when my parents found out, instead of talking about it with me, they sent me to a psychologist. The psychologist was no real help. All she did was give me judgmental looks, ask me uncomfortable questions, and insist that I take anti-depressants, which always gave me headaches and made me sleepy. I stopped cutting so I wouldn't have to endure any of that anymore. My parents cancelled the appointments to the pschologist after I pleaded with them and proved that I wasn't cutting myself anymore, but force me to continue taking the anti depressants. But it's not like they actually care about how I'm feeling, they just think the medicine can 'fix' me so people won't think their kid is a freak anymore. That's how I see it anyway, but whatever. I avoid taking them as much as I can, they don't help me with my life so why bother. No one likes me so I have no friends to talk to. Some people try to get to know me but stop bothering to talk to me after they realize how boring and depressed I am. My daily routine is just going to school, coming home, doing my homework, eating, then going to bed, maybe crying a little. I do take a walk through the park for some alone time, sometimes. I don't have a drive to pursue anything. I feel like a waste of space most of the time.

Do I complain too much? I feel like I do. You probably don't want to listen to all of that, so I'll just get on with the story.

I walked to school, as usual, and some guys whistled at me from their car while the girls with them laughed. They were teasing me and it hurt but I acted like I didn't hear it. I decided to put in my earphones so I wouldn't have to listen to anyone make fun of me.

When I got to class, I heard some snickering. It probably wasn't directed towards me, but usually when I suspect it is, then it is. I quickly walked to my seat in the back of the classroom. In the beginning of the year, I asked my teachers if they could always seat me in the back of the classroom because some kids would throw paper balls at the back of my head and it distracted me from my learning the previous year (freshman year). Some honored my request, but unsympathetic teachers like Ms. Barren told me I would have to take control of my own life and work with the hand I was given... whatever that meant. She always makes weird excuses for why she's being a bitch.

I was pretty tired today because of those damn antidepressants, so I was sleeping in class when the teacher made a scene by slamming a book on the edge of my desk and nearly scaring me to death. My head shot up, and I imagine a had a pretty goofy-looking, wide-eyed expression on my face, so everyone laughed at me. Well not everyone. A few nice people withheld their laughter, and some acted as if it didn't happen. This guy, he just looked at me with an apologetic expression on his face, and my stomach got this weird sensation when I noticed and our eyes met. When the laughter died down, he just gave me small smile, and turned away.

This person was not some mystery guy, I know him well. Well, not personally, but I know him because he happens to be one of the most popular, cutest, sweetest guys in the school. His name is Jay. He has chocolate brown hair, and squinty brown eyes. He is just... beautiful. But he's not gay or anything, and even if he was, he wouldn't want me, I know that. I just really like him. I hate when I get a crush because it's heartbreaking. I will say that he's the nicest a crush has ever been to me. He never laughs at me as far as I know and when he has to speak to me in class for some school stuff, he speaks to me like I'm a human being and makes me feel like one too, unlike everyone else.

I haven't always been an outcast. I had lots of friends growing up. It started in sixth grade when everyone started hating me. That was around the time I started realizing my interest in guys. It was at this birthday party, and we were in the basement playing truth or dare. Someone dared me to kiss my crush, and I absent-mindedly kissed Matthew Gregory. I heard ews and oh my gods, and Matt punched me in the stomach. I was sent home early and people just picked on me from then on.