Blank Pages

Fourteen

She doesn't think she's ever been this nervous in her life—or if she has, it's been a while. He surprised her by answering her call midway through the first ring, as if he was already holding his phone, and when he spoke, he sounded strangely exhilarated and out of breath, as if he'd just finished running, or having se—she didn't want to think about it. He agreed to meet her in half an hour, asked where she was, then suggested meeting up at the bar they went to the first night they met—where they'd slow danced to Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang after he told her about Tricia.

When she arrives, he is already sitting at a booth, the only person there. He stands up as she walks towards him, and gives her a quick buss on the cheek before she slides into the seat across from him and studies his face for a moment. It's only been a little over a week since they saw each other last, but it feels like ages, and she drinks the sight of him in. His hair is in need of a trim—it's starting to lose its sharp, neat edges around the ears—and it looks like he hasn't shaved in the last day or two. It suits him, this slightly scruffy look, somehow makes him seem less straitlaced and uptight. For a minute, they're both silent, just looking steadily at each other, then he asks, his voice kind,

"Kumusta ka?"

She wants to cry. He is so good to her. After she abused his trust so terribly, he still speaks to her so gently. "Richard, I'm so sorry," she blurts out, the force of her words startling her. She needs him to believe how truly sorry she really is.

He wants to interrupt and tell her it's okay, he gets it, he thinks he understands why she did it—and to apologize also for saying such harsh words—but he thinks of Tricia and how all this time, she's been unable to deal with her guilt in a healthy way. The ghosts of her own doing haunt her so that she lives in fear of having children, and mistakenly thinks that the only way to ease her conscience is by throwing money at the person she wronged. Nicomaine is dealing with her guilt head on, and he doesn't want to get in the way of that, so he remains silent and lets her go on.

"There's no excuse for what I did. I shouldn't have lied, especially after knowing what you went through with Tricia and Anton, how they betrayed you. Aaminin ko na naging duwag ako—I was so afraid of what you might think of me if I told you the truth. And after what I did to Caloy, I didn't think I deserved to be happy again—not with anyone else."

Richard thinks about this as she pauses to catch her breath. "Mahal mo pa ba siya?" He asks, his tone light, but inside, his stomach twists painfully.

A beat. "Oo—"

Ouch.

"—but not in the way you think. Caloy was my hero, my best friend for more than ten years. I think I'll always love him—but only as a dear, dear friend. The way I feel about him now is—different—from—how I feel about—you."

He tries his damnedest to stay cool, but she doesn't miss the tiny flicker that sparks in his eyes as she says the last sentence. Her lips start to curve upwards into a small smile, and she reaches out to grasp his large hand with her smooth, slender one.

"Richard, I—"

Sh*t, this is it. Is she actually going to say it? Does she really feel the same way? Get a hold of yourself, Faulkerson. Try not to squeal like a little girl.

"I want to show you something," she says, releasing his hand. His brows furrow in confusion as she pulls out a big leather book from her bag and slides it across the table towards him. "I've been working on this all week, and I wanted you to be the first to see, because—well, because I couldn't have done it without you. Open it to where the bookmark is."