Head Above Water

26. Confessions

During the following week I was thankfully free from symptoms of my condition, but Rick or Malcolm were worriedly tethered to my side the entire time. Though their concern was touching, it was also really stifling. I needed time to myself and being constantly watched by them was starting to wear on my patience, which was already quite thin. Waiting for my diagnosis had been taking its toll, and the reality of it all was finally sinking in.

They’d been able to classify the tumor last week, but it hadn’t really meant anything to me. The unwieldy medical term was useless to the layman. When I’d asked my doctor to summarize it for me, he said that it was one of the rarer forms of tumors and also the most difficult to treat.

Now that the tumor had been classified, we’d begun discussing chemo and radiation treatments. They wanted to go forward with the most aggressive therapies as soon as the final test results came in, which would tell us the rate of growth. I’d taken more scans just yesterday that they’d be comparing to my initial ones in December.

My only saving grace during the week had been the start of rehearsals for The King and I, which served as a fantastic distraction. Thanks to my fall, the teacher had been forced to give the lead role to someone else, not knowing if I’d be able to make rehearsals, but apparently it would’ve gone to me. That knowledge lent me some solace, though the fact that the role went to Jennifer took some away again. It just had to be her, didn’t it?

In the end, my own issues were taking up so much of my energy and thought though, that it didn’t even matter, and I had to admit it was for the best. Performances were in two weeks and I wasn’t even sure if I’d be in the final show. If I were to start treatment soon, I knew there’d be no way I could continue in the production, but for now, I was determined to give it my all. I’d been looking forward to it for months, and if I’d been banned from the pool, at least I still had the stage.

“Hey, daydreamer. What’s goin’ on in there?” Rick rapped his knuckles lightly on the top of my head, drawing me out of my musings.

I’d been zoning out a lot lately and he’d taken to snapping me out of it frequently. I think he knew I was dwelling on not-so-happy things, so he’d taken it upon himself to try and be a distraction. I was actually thankful for it most of the time, because I wasn’t quite ready to focus on the negative things that kept popping into my head. If Mal had been around, he would have probably left me to my thoughts in an effort to respect my privacy, but I hadn’t seen him since the episode last week. Before that he’d been out less and less as the weeks went on and when I finally got the courage to ask Rick what was up, he told me it was because he was nearing the end of his change.

Apparently as a fledgling’s transition progresses, it takes more and more effort for their maker to take over. Because of the bond it’ll always possible for them to do so, but it’s harder and usually only done out of necessity.

I looked up at Rick and tried to force a pleasant smile. “Same ol’,” I shrugged.

His jaw clenched and I could tell he was frustrated that I wouldn’t share with him. Unlike Mal, he wasn’t willing to waiting for me to tell him what was wrong and he’d been asking every single day. I’d snapped at him for it just yesterday, so today I guess he was trying to bite his tongue.

He plopped down beside me where I was seated dangling my legs over the edge of the stage. Rehearsal had just finished and I was stalling for time. I knew that there would be news waiting for me when my mom picked me up, and I knew deep in my gut that it wouldn’t be good. After tonight I wouldn’t be able to put off the negative thoughts anymore. I wouldn’t be able to hide it from my friends and the world. I’d have to face the ugly truth—and I was more terrified than I’d ever been.