open letters to no one

it aches and aches and aches

I'm great at being friendly
but never understood
and every time I click a little with someone new
I can't help but let a wave or two
out of my reckless mouth to finally release a fraction of the ocean trapped within me, swirling with
verbs, thoughts, questions, feelings;
forever sloshing around and weighing down my brain
and most of the time,
they drown.
never had a friend to really call my own
and I've been doing just fine
(just fine, just fine, just fine)
but some days my heart just
a c h e s.
used up most of my journal trying to put this hurt I feel some nights, some mornings, some afternoons, into words
(it can last for hours, days on end)
and as page after page of my attempts to make it into fragile broken sense probably show,
I can't.
and when someone does listen
my heart grows about three sizes
but the words never fall from my lips in a way that captures it right and I'm begging someone to look at me and
g e t  i t
but how could I ask for something like that when I can't tell them
what's going on?
and I'm so needy
and I'm so overwhelming
and I'm so emotional and I'm so
much.
and most days I just want someone to finally tell
(diagnose, analyze, truly see)
what's
w r o n g
with
me
and my heart
that soars and crashes and aches and grins all within the same hour
and feels every. little. thing.
so, so profoundly
because I can't keep up, much less anyone else and I've been afraid all my life of letting someone (anyone) in
because I already ache enough
without them trying to tie my heart down
(again).

p.s.
my head's in the clouds and I longed for someone to bring me back down but your hand in mine was like
an
a n c h o r
and you kept dragging me further underground and the warmth of the sunlight I had grown in, flourished in, was nowhere to be found on my skin.
you were my handcuffs,
s h a c k l e s,
trapping me and telling me
that all my silly flighty heart needed was a weight.
(no wonder I'm now claustrophobic).
I said I needed help and your smile looked like an angel sent from above but you just
kept
gripping
my hand
tighter.
I've stated time and time again that I'm sick of flying miles above everyone else
but you were only a chain that brought me too low
so I'm stuck on the outside looking in.

p.p.s.
my heart still trembles at the thought of opening back up and I'm
slowly, slowly, slowly
uncurling my sunflower petals again
but I learned.
my heart is a bird that longs to glide and twirl while everyone else is a fish, content at sea level,
so I'll never be understood.
and I'm not really sure
what I'm asking of you
but please
my heart is aching again.