open letters to no one

I wanted to

I always knew you weren't the sun- I'd heard too many stories to believe you were golden.

no, not so much the sun, but a star. winking and shimmering at me until roses tinted my cheeks.

and then-

the taste of your name on my tongue was intoxicating, the way you played with my fingers and tugged on my curls addicting. I tried to focus on other constellations but I always connected the dots to resemble something like your grin.

but, you still faded.

two weeks later and your smile meant nothing. eyes that had sparkled were dull. ignited nothing. your name turned to dust in my mouth and I was choking on it. I began to feel guilty every time you pressed your leg to mine or gave me hugs that should've been warm or looked at me like
that
and I was (am) too terrified to pinpoint why.

(you never diminished, it was me.)

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

(the light in my eyes when I looked at you went out. I was so sure this was it, you would last, I would finally feel more than a couple butterflies.

but you weren't and it's hard to look at you now without remembering how much I wanted to want you.)

you still text me sometimes and I still put you off all the time. your gaze makes me claustrophobic and I have nothing to say to explain myself.

now when your arm's around my shoulder all I feel is
weight.