Nobody cares about how I feel.
No one cares about my interests, they don't care if i really care about something.
No matter what, I can't make them happy with myself. I'm just a fuck up. Im a mistake. They just want me to be a perfect child that has no mental problems, a child that is innocent and sweet and wears dresses to school, a child that isn't me.
I have 4 siblings, what am I to my parents?
They dont care, they have other kids to worry and care about. They acknowledge me but they don't care and they don't understand.
My siblings think I'm a mess and wreck and a weirdo. My parents most likely think i'm a complete mistake. My friends only care for me because they pitty me. My friends are the only ones that actually care about my well-being. But not even my friends can care about the thing that I am.
I'm always going to be worthless, i'm not supposed to live a full life. I know I'm not supposed to grow old, hell maybe I'm not even supposed to make it through my high-school graduation. If I was put into this world just to be ridiculed, judged, yelled at, and feel like a worthless mistake then how am I supposed to live a full life? A part of me wants to live and have adventures, but the other part of me couldn't care less. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel alone, nobody understands my condition. No matter how many people think they can relate, absolutely no one understands the way I function and how I feel. I'm not sad, i'm not hurt, i'm not mad, i'm certainly not happy... i'm just... my own feeling. It's like a numb feeling, the feeling of just not having a care in the world because your dead anyway.
I sneak out at night around 3 or 4 and walk through the lonely dark streets hoping I'd get run over or shot.
I dont understand myself. I don't understand my life. I don't understand anything. Not anymore.
I don't know what to do, no matter what anyone says I will not get hope. I know my friends love me but I don't know why and I never will because they can lie, anyone can. I'll never get to go on a shitty cliché date where we watch the stars under a blanket on some grassy hill. I don't even think I'm going to see my first day of high school. I'll never know true happiness.
I don't believe I have a future, I can't see one. I've dreamed about traveling with close friends, about adventuring abandoned places and having the most fun and accomplishing life but everyone knows that isn't possible for a depressed, low-life, poor and depressed mistake such as myself.
It's simply impossible.
No one can convince me that living in this cruel, fucked up world is worth it. Because I've been told that since I was only a year old, everything has gone downhill ever since. Ive always found myself being an insensitive, broken, depressed little bitch.
I have always been followed by these curses, no matter how hard I try to turn my life around. Ive tried EVERYTHING, good and bad. Self harmed, starved myself, gone outside everyday and enjoyed the nature one of my favorite things, secluded myself, used music as an escape, slept as long as I could, ditched school, I've stopped talking to people, I've kept to myself, I've been outgoing, I've gotten myself into trouble, I've tried to commit suicide by the fifth grade, anything you can think of. I haven't told anyone that. Ive been haunted by these thoughts since day one. I chose to hide this, I thought that being myself was wrong. That accepting that I'm a boy and I have depression and the worst anxiety ever, and I have problems that I can't figure out on my own, that I need help, that I can't function, that I'm suicidal, that this is who I am at the moment whether that ever changes or not, I thought this was all wrong and was not normal. But when you have in accepting parents and unsupportive family and even some friends, it takes a toll on you. The few things that make me happy have been disapproved by my parents.
I just want to be happy.
I want to live.
