The Story Of Murder & Marriage

8: memories

I am really loving this morning routine we have these days. I would be woken up by the smell of waffles every morning. I would be done getting ready by the time breakfast was served, so we can sit down and eat. Matt is so wonderful, he completely understands me. He's been so patient with me, it's been weeks since I tried running away. I don't know what I was thinking, to do that to matt. He would have thought it was his fault, like he did something to trigger this. But it was all me, I was paranoid about damien coming to get me. I am still paranoid but now I know that I should talk it out with Matt instead of trying to just run away.

After breakfast matt makes me take a walk with him through town just looking, he doesn't push me to go into stores or to interact with people. He just gives comfort when needed. I seriously don't know how I can repay this man for being so wonderful. But recently I've been having dreams about him, nothing major just us sitting close on the couch. Me dreaming about a future with Matt needs to stop, although it would be amazing. I know I need to get as far away as I can, I don't know exactly but I don't think I am very far from my crazy husband. I know him. He isn't going to give up until he kills me, that's what happens to all the wives who disobey their husbands. I was there long enough to see some horrific public displays. I never wanted to watch but damien would threaten me with a beating if I didn't watch all of it. I would stand there with his arms around me holding me tight making sure my head was locked in place. Tears would streek down my face, and now thinking about it I still get teary-eyed. I know if I get caught he will do the exact same thing to me.

If I want to recover and live my life without this constant paranoia, I need to get as far away as I can. I wasn't really planning to escape- I'm still making it sound like I'm a captive- but I plan to say my goodbye to matt. He deserves that at least, I've taken up space and time in his life. The least I can do is make sure he doesn't feel like it was his fault.

Walking down the stairs I look myself over at the mirror hanging on the wall at the end of the stairs. I made sure I actually took time into making sure my hair was brushed out and that my outfit was good. With the small closet that Matt has created for me, I created this very casual look. He understood that I wouldn't wear anything revealing or short. Most of the closet was made up of neutrals and black tones, which I loved. When I was younger- before I got caught up in the damien situation- I lived the goth lifestyle. It wasn't for an emotional reason more of a love for the color black.

Walking into the kitchen I walk over to the coffee maker which also makes tea, this little part of my morning routine gave me something to do instead of Staring at matt as he set everything up. Every morning I drink black tea with a bit of honey just like my mother taught me. If my parents were still alive today I would have called them months ago to pick me up, since damien knew nothing of my background he wouldn't look there. But sadly my parents died when I was a teenager, they had me at an older age which deprived me of some experiences but I still loved them. They never allowed me to go a day without telling me how much they loved me or how much I meant to them. I was the lone star in their world but now I was all alone. No more cuddle times with papa or cooking with mum. Shaking myself out of those depressing thoughts- I was already depressed as it is no need to dig further into my life of hell- I take my tea and take a seat. Matt's house was very cozy but it wasn't over the top, I'd call it more cozy chic. But I don't know when he has the time to clean around here when he isn't working or helping me. His house is big enough for a family of four, but he lives alone. Matt seems to have built his life around having a family from his job to his house and even to himself. In my opinion he would be a wonderful father and/or husband, but I don't want kids.

Wait. Where did that come from? Why am I thinking of a future with Matt in it? I can't. It's impossible. I'm me and he's him. He would never even think of me like that, after how he's seen me. He's seen me bloodied and ripped apart but also at my weakest point. He wouldn't accept me for who I am, for what this has done to me. And I don't think I could ever be with another man again. Now it's in my head that every man will want to do the exact same thing to me. Beat me. Rape me. Imprison me.

Getting out of my thoughts I see that breakfast is laid out with Matt sitting across from me drinking his coffee. He looked tired and disheveled. Look what I've done to him. A few months of me intruding into his life and he looks dead on his feat. But he still smiles brightly every time he looks at me. I just excuse it as him putting on a good front for me, I'm just the sad weak girl he has to take care of because his sister asked. I don't know what I was thinking before, I need to stop thinking of him as anything other than a caregiver.

I was nothing to him.