My hands are shaking wildly, Angelica won't stop crying. I'm pacing around the room thinking desperately in what I can do to quiet her down. Finally I decide to go to Angelica and carry her tiny body in my hands. Her face is red from crying. "Shh" I try to calm her down by rocking her side by side. She cries louder this time, I panic and put her down. I put my hand on my forehead and slide it down my face, I'm stressed.
"Think" I tell myself, maybe she's hungry. I immediately get up and make my way towards the kitchen, leaving Angelica behind on the bed. The kitchen is gruesome, there's plates everywhere and the pantries are falling apart. I sigh there's nothing I can do, every time I try to keep going with my life, to do anything in the house I feel like I'm forgetting about her and I don't want to forget. I reach in to the top pantry grabbing the bottle of formula. It's empty, I bang my fist in to the table out of frustration, out of anger, "Why" I ask myself, "what did I do to deserve this?" In that moment I think of her, of how patient she used to be.
Things used to be so different when Irene was alive, we used to be so happy, I remember how joyous she was when the doctor told us she was pregnant. We were so happy, but the happiness didn't last long.
We were on our way home from the hospital, Irene had just given birth to Angelica. Irene was laughing and I was smiling shaking my head, then I saw lights, the front of a car. All I remember is her screaming, the baby crying and then all going black. When I woke up I was On a hospital bed with a doctor sitting next to me. He said that I had been in a car accident, in which my wife had died and my baby had survived. The doctor continue on saying that it was a miracle that my baby wasn't injured, she didn't even had a scratch. I remember hating the way he said it with such hypocrisy. With a smile on his face, he didn't care, not at all.
It's been nine months since she died and I'm a complete disaster without her. The cries of Angelica pull me out of my thoughts, I look down at the empty bottle of formula and tossed it aside. I walk in to the room and put on four jackets, I grab Angelica and wrap her little body with billions of blankets and finally on top a red one. I carry her in my arms and walk towards the front door.
Soon as I open the front door a wave of icy air hits me all the way to my bones. I hug Angelica closer to me, even tho is barely five o'clock and a Monday , the streets are empty and dark. It's really no surprise being the twenty-five of December. Everybody is at their home, warm, happy and celebrating, how I wish I was them.
I walk hoping to find an open store, but to my misfortune all the stores I passed are closed. I need to keep looking and find formula for Angelica.
*********
I have been walking for so long that my shoes are worn out. There's no store open, I'm so tired and Angelica hasn't stop crying, her cries have become more like of a whisper.
In the distance I can see stairs, finally I can rest a bit there and then walk back home. I walk towards the stair case and sit down. Angelica hasn't stop crying and I'm worried, she has cried for so long.
God, why did this happened to me. With out Irene I'm a complete failure, I can't take care of my baby girl, I can't even calm her down. Tears start rolling down my face now, how in hell am I going to take care of my child. All of the sudden I hear laughter behind me, I immediately turn around and see no one there. The laughter must be coming from inside the place, I stand up and see the door of the house, it's big and old fashion my eyes travel up and see that there's a sign.
'Orphanage Saint Mary"it reads. Just like that the thought hits me like lighting. If I leave Angelica here she's going to be take care of. She's going to be ok here, she's a baby she can get adopted fast, she's going to be well fed and loved. In that moment I look at Angelica, she's still crying only a little softer "I love you Angelica never forget it"
I placed her in the door way and knock at the door. As soon as my hand disconnects with the door I start running and don't stop nor look back.
*******
As I get close to my house I start to walk. I notice how empty and dark the streets are. Out of the corner of my eye I see a shadow move, I turn around, and nothing is there. All of the sudden they come from everywhere and make a circle. Slowly I can make body parts but no feet, they are floating. One of them reaches for me and I stumble back. "Coward" said a shadow. Making me fall down, I try to get up fast. "You gave up your baby girl with out even thinking twice!" hissed a shadow. "You don't understand I .. I ... wouldn't had been able to raised her" I said in a low voice. "The only thing you had left of your wife!" hissed another shadow. "You didn't even turn back!" hissed a shadow. "What if they didn't take her in?"ask a shadow. In that moment I think about it. They had to take her in, she was a baby. I had to go check, I turn around and start running back to the orphanage.
******
I'm five steps from the orphanage, when I see it. The little red blanket that I had wrap around my little angel when we came out. Tears start forming in my eyes. They hadn't heard me knock, her little body is here right where I left her. She's pale like snow, there's complete silence not a sound. "Murderer" hissed a shadow, they had fallow me. "No, no, no , no" I say in a soft low whisper, tears rolling down my eyes. I didn't want her to died, I wanted the best for her. "You killed her!" hissed a shadow pulling me out of my thoughts. "If you hadn't given up on being a father, she would still be a live" said a shadow. They are right if I hadn't given out she would still be alive. I left her here leaving her at her own luck. I gave up, it's my fault she's dead.
That's when it hits me the feeling of pain and regret. It fills me from the inside out, it's a feeling that burns you as it runs through your body. Knowing that you could have avoid the consequences. I take a step closer towards Angelica and I hear a small crack. I look down there's pieces of glass in the floor. I pick one up, why did god took away my wife. Why am I still alive and my daughter and wife are not? Am I supposed to live alone? I have nothing to live for anymore. Nothing left for me here,all that is left for me is pain, guilt and regret.
The feeling that is consuming me know, that kills you and rots you from the inside out. It burns and leaves a whole in your heart that can never be filled. I don't want to live with this feeling, It's like being dead alive.
I bring the broken glass to my right wrist and slide it down, feeling a sharp pang of pain. I feel the warmth of the blood as it flows out of my wrist. I put the glass on my other hand and slide it down the wrist of my left hand. I walk towards the dead body of my little girl. I lay down next to her and hug her body close to me. "Soon, we'll be together" I tell her as a tear rolls down my cheek. I kiss her forehead and closed my eyes. I take a deep breath and let the darkness consume me.
