Life Underground

You're Killing Me - Oh, Wait

Quick note sorry I haven't been updating like at all but can we take a moment to appreciate this chapter title...

I think the best part about this whole 'dead' thing is that nothing ever changes now. I never get hot or cold, I don't get sick, I don't get hurt, and I don't have to worry about a lot of stuff. The flip side is that the only thing I have left is my emotions and if I wasn't already dead, they'd be killing me.

I'm out by the water, and Hazel is still here. She's been here for a while, just sitting there and looking out to the sea. She knows I'm here, and I think she doesn't want to leave because she thinks she won't be able to find me again. I would tell her I'll always be here but yelling really depleted like all of my energy and all I can do is sit here and stare at her.

The worst part of this is that I can hear all the questions that are bouncing around in her head. They remain unspoken but so loud in my ears and I don't know how to feel about them, let alone how to answer them. The expression on her face is heartbreaking and I find myself longing to see her laugh, to hear her giggle at some story from school. Instead I am slapped in the face with silent Why did you do it? s and Please come back s.

Hazel shudders and I reach over, using all of my strength to pull the left sleeve of her - my - sweatshirt down. She jumps and then smiles softly, her eyes glossy with tears. She pulls down the other sleeve and finally says something.

"Will, I really miss you. You might not be able to answer me but is there any way for you to come back? I just - I know it's impossible but I pray every single night for this whole thing to be a dream..." she trails off, looking around for me. I pick up a twig - it feels like a fifty pound weight, but I heave it up, and she follows it with her eyes.

Tentatively, she reaches out towards where I am, and her hand passes through my leg that is stretched out next to her. Hazel's eyes widen as she feels the change of temperature, and she waves her hand through it a few more times. I am flooded with warmth by the simple touch and I choke up slightly, missing life now more than ever.

I'll always be here for you, I scratch out into the dirt. She watches as I write and then nods, trying to speak. She opens her mouth and then shuts it and nods again, sighing and sitting back. We sit there for what seems like eternity, but it begins to get dark and I tug on her sweatshirt. Home is the only word I can manage to write, but she nods again and gets up slowly, brushing off her pants and then looking back where I sit before trudging off.

I stay by the cliffs long into the night, and I almost trick myself into falling asleep when Paul walks up and ruins the mood. He just struts up and sits down next to me, right on top of one of the messages I wrote to Hazel.

Sorry for pissing you off, he says, looking over at me carefully. It's rough being a rookie here. I remember when I first came, and no one explained anything and it was terrifying. I've been here for quite a while.

But doesn't anyone ever... move on? I ask, frowning and kicking at a little plant in front of me. It wiggles slightly.

Well... yeah. But you have to completely let go of this life. Which sounds easy, and is anything but. You have to fully say goodbye, and you have to forget everything and be ready to lay your bones to rest. For some reason, I guess you and I haven't gotten there yet. He picks up a small rock and tosses it over the cliff, and we watch it soar down into the surf and get lost in the waves.

I don't know if I want to forget.