Dear Nobody

November 8, 2013

Dear Nobody,

I feel like this period is the calm before the storm. Like I am supposed to be bracing myself for some humongous, untamed tsunami that will wipe me out if I don't find shelter soon.

But what is my shelter? Where is it? Who is it? I'd really like to know.

.

Today was a half day at school. My very first class was Algebra 2 and Jillian wanted to sit with me. Then, when Sarah came in, she wanted to sit in her seat, and she did not want to sit next to you. So all three of us squeezed beside each other at a two-person table. Lovely.

Due to the closeness of our situation, I was quite close to Justin. So much so that we touched from our elbows to our shoulders. I can't say that I didn't mind..

Soon enough Mr. B handed out our chapter six tests and told us that we could take them home for the weekend... I only did about half of it. I had the whole weekend, didn't I?

Whilst being pressed up against Justin, and you stealing glances mine and Jillian's way from your lonely seat just in front of me; I grew uncomfortabley hot. Justin smelled really nice, and I wished I could place the scent. However, it grew too much for me and I felt like I was suffocating. I just really needed some fresh air... The position I was in was so much like the dance, that I lost any and all focus that I had on my assignment, and just started to remember...

*Flashback*

Your chest was warm and extremely close agianst my back as we danced. Your cologne mixed with the smell of sweat wafting through the large room, as many other warm bodies grinded with each other. The fragrance was intoxcating.

Our fingers were interlocked at my hips, and I marvelled at the differences of size between your hands and mine. I leaned into your chest and you placed your chin where my shoulder met my neck. I grinned at our closeness, and felt so beautifully in bliss. I was having a good time, and you appeared to be having one also.

Too soon the upbeat song came to a finish, and you told me you were going to go for some water, Wait here, you yelled above the sound. Okay! I smiled at you and took Siobhan by her fore arm and danced with her.

I danced for a long time, with Siobhan, and with Alice. Then I wanted to dance a different way, except you weren't anywhere to be found. So, I danced with a freshman, until you decided to return..

.

I was in the middle of dancing to some Beyonce song, and I found out that the boy I was dancing with was somebody I forgot I knew. We knew each other from back in middle school, and his name was Jarrett. He was tall, and blonde, and he had kind eyes..

I was having loads of fun dancing with him and my other friends when, I heard:

"Whoa, Rose! Look at Jillian!!" Alice said, pointing to Jillian and you. At first glance one would think, as I did, that you and her were just dancing face to face. But, as I looked even closer at the scene before my eyes, I realized that the two of you were in an extremely intense make out session. The air I had been breathing hitched in my throat. I looked quickly away, but not before your eyes caught mine and something like recognition crossed your face... 

My body had stopped frozen for what felt like ages, but was truly just mere seconds. I turned as gracefully as I could to face Jarrett, who had, I guess, not seen what I had and just presumed dancing against my lifeless body. Taking him by the fore arms, I leaned into him and said, "Thank you... for the dance... I just... Uh, I-I just need to get some air?" I said, ending my departure with a small question. At that point I was beginning to question a lot of things.

I forced a polite smile at Jarrett and scoured the dance floor for Siobhan. Luckily I found her in the grip of some other freshman, Steven, I think, not too far away.

"Can you please come with me. Now? I-I... Just please? I really have to leave for a bit..." I was beginning to see red, and it wasn't just the lights reflecting off the disco ball. I didn't want that to start crying on the dance floor, especially not in the midst of you and of everyone else.

Siobhan just nodded her head quickly and whispered a quick something to what's-his-face over the music. As soon as I caught her arm in my sweaty hand, I rushed blindly through the crowd and, once in the hall, let the burriness fully take over my vision. Siobhan took the lead, and we ended up in an isolated bathroom where she asked me what was the matter.

I explained what I saw, and what I hoped you hadn't seen. I told her how my stomach lurched and did a cartwheel when I saw you with her. I told her how my breathing was so irregular and difficult to catch. I told her how I couldn't see, and I told her how I wanted to cry.

Siobhan said how sorry she was, and that you weren't worth it anyhow. That I might as well forget about you, and that it was your loss anyways. But as I saw my scarlet-flushed cheeks, my blood-shot eyes, and the unshed tears threatening to spill over the brink of my eye lids, I couldn't help but think that it was my own fault...

*End Flashback*

I realize now, over a month later, that it was completely your choice to kiss Jillian. I now know that I couldn't have said something different to you, or held you back. In fact, I'm glad.

Because now that I've experienced all of these things because of you, I'll know what I am getting in to when I want to let some one in again. It may be a while before I do so, but it could wuite possibly be next week.

And the beautiful thing about this whole mess is? I can say that I've been through heart break. And I know that things will be better. That I will be better coming out of it. And maybe you will be better too... 

But until then, I'll just find an umbrella and go about my business; because everyone wants happiness, and no one wants pain. But you can't get a rainbow, with out a little rain.

 Ready for it to pour,

Rose