Nicotine Addiction and Other Such Things

waves (short story)

Loving her came in waves to him.

The first wave, brought with it, denial because he didn't want to feel what he was feeling.

He didn't want to put all his hope on one person. He didn't want to be in love because he associated love with being vulnerable and that is the one thing he never wanted to be.

Every single time she looked at him, for even the briefest of seconds, his heart clenched painfully, because he hadn't seen anyone or anything more beautiful.

He was almost certain that the existence of someone or something more beautiful than her was a thought as unnatural as the thought of the sun rising from the west.

But he would never tell her that.

Love doesn't exist, he told himself. And so when these feelings started to creep up on him, he rejected them. He denied himself the simple pleasure of being happy.

He thought of her as though she created his world or maybe she was his sun. She was what his world revolved around.

But damn him, if he ever loved anything. Love is magic comfort food for the weak kneed and the uneducated.

The second wave, brought with it, warmth, which he started feeling around her. Her scent enveloped him, every waking moment, even when she wasn't around.

She was starting to mess with his head. He wanted to hold her hand, tell her every insignificant little detail of his day, hurt anyone who ever hurt her.

He wanted her close to him at all times.

Whenever he sat next to her, he felt safe and warm and gooey inside. The kind of things one feels when they're in love but he never wants to be in love.

Never.

Let's backtrack a little, shall we?

When he was a little kid of eleven, his mother left him and his father. Not on purpose, of course.

She got ovarian cancer and she descended to the heavens.

After she passed away, his father was shattered. He is still shattered.

Every night, his father takes a framed photo of his wife from the place they had their first date. He clutches it close to him, every night as though it's her and not a memory.

That's the reason why he doesn't want to love her, or anyone for that matter.

The world is a shitty place which waits around for you to fall for someone and when you did, it takes that person away from you.

Sometimes that person left you of their own accord and the other times, the times where it hurt more than humanly possible, the person left you unwillingly.

He never wanted to feel as destroyed as his father felt every single night of his life.

The third wave, brought with it acceptance, which he did.

He eventually accepted the fact that she was the only one who had the power and the ability to save him.

But alas, like much of the things humans do, this too was a little too late.

For the fourth wave, washed her away from his world and brought her to someone else's.

He never could say what he felt.

Loving her came in waves to him. They rose up like tides, his feelings, but vanished when the moon hid behind the clouds.

So she never knew what he never could say and they came to an impasse.

He was left nursing his vulnerability and she was left nursing her broken heart.