(It's okay) if you don't remember

Tuesday

Some things should never be spoken out loud. Not even put into words. Like, noticing a very uncomfortably placed stain on your teacher's pants. Or, that it's your fault that the laundry turned slightly discoloured because you happened to put a striped sock with all the white. Though, there's that one thing you should never, never, tell anybody. You should never revile that you have fallen in love. At least not when the person you've fallen for happens to be your lifelong best friend who knows you better than they know the inside on their hand. In theory that sounds easy. Even completely unnecessary. If they're your best friend you should be able to tell them anything, even this. It's only when you're out it that boat that the sea seems rough and life threatening.

Lexa Woods could testify to that.

She remembers the day that bubbly feeling in her stomach suddenly exploded. It was a rainy Thursday, three days after Clarke's fourteenth birthday. The two girls were sprawled across Clarke's double bed, their eyes turned up to the ceiling and the slightly faded stars above them. Jake painted those yellow dots when the blonde girl was merely a baby as a clever way of transferring his interest of space onto his daughter at an early age. If only he'd known that those stars sparked the girl's imagination for creating rather than an interest for the unknown. Lexa remembers that day as clear as ever, the sound of the rain hitting the window and the warmth radiating from Clarke's body when their arms touched, all of it is imprinted on Lexa's mind. Clearest of all, the moment when the blonde turned her face to the green eyed girl, eyes falling shut and breath heavy with sleep. Lexa had watched the other girl sleep countless of times, this particular time was no different than the ones before. Still, something clicked into place as she observed Clarke's calm features and the way her lip twitched in her sleep. When she saw those eyelids twitch every so slightly, Lexa wondered for the very first time if it was her that Clarke dreamt about.

The realization hit her like a shot to the chest.

She had fallen in love with Clarke Griffin. Her best friend.

Ever since that day Lexa have had a hard time getting the blonde out of her head. Years have past, girlfriends, boyfriends, all kinds of friends and people have gone through their lives with the wind and the stars. Through it all it has been the two of them. Lexa and Clarke.

The first time Clarke told Lexa she thought she liked girls, Lexa almost fainted right there and then. Her heart jumped high in her chest, but was quickly consumed by that quivering fear she'd known since the moment she realized what she felt for the blonde. She believed that she could never tell, never let on about her feelings, or she'd lose her lifelong friend. Her soulmate. Some time soon after they went to a party of one of their classmates and Lexa shared her first kiss with a girl named Raina. She was fourteen and the taste of cherry coke on the brown haired girl's lips made her sick to her stomach, or rather the aching feeling in her gut did. The morning after she told Clarke what had happened and when Clarke asked if she was gay, the only answer Lexa wanted to give her was 'since the day I met you'. Instead of telling the truth she only hummed and hid her face into the pillow.

Clarke laid down behind her, snuggled up to her back and held her tight in the belief that the sniffling sounds coming from the green eyed girl were caused by this new realization. But Lexa wasn't crying because of the fact that she was gay, she had never done that. She cried out of fear. However the smell of Clarke's apple scented shampoo settled her stomach, or really, Clarke made all of her settle again.

As the years went on that aching feeling only grew and Lexa got used to her stomach turning.

Lexa dated girl after girl, exchanged blue ocean eyes to earth brown and sky gray. She would run her hands through black, auburn and platinum coloured hair, desperately trying not to miss the feeling of silky blonde curls in between her fingers. She managed to create quite a reputation for herself, an unflattering one according to many, a welcomed one by her. She never treated any girl badly, no matter what she was truthful and brutally honest. She never once allowed the girl she was dating at the time to believe that it was love. Every 'love' she had was mere distraction.