(It's okay) if you don't remember

Saturday - Part 2

"Shit", Clarke mumbled at the green eyed girl's side. The sound of that hoarse voice made Lexa open her eyes that had been glued together with dried up tears. "My head is pounding", the blonde exclaimed and threw the covers off of her body. Lexa quickly closed her eyes again, both not to see and so that the other girl wouldn't discover her bloodshot eyes. She didn't know what was worse; letting on how distraught she was or how her eyes were drawn to the skin where the blonde's shirt had scrunched up over her hip. Only when the green eyed girl could feel the bed shift as the blonde sat up on her side could she allow herself to rub the sleep out of her eyes. Or rather the salt and mascara from the night before.

Lexa cursed herself for being weak. For letting herself get into this situation and this state.

"What happened last night?", the blonde asked as she got up.

Lexa could feel her heart jump high in her chest. All while her stomach twisted uncomfortably. "You don't remember?". Only now did the green eyed girl let herself really look at the other girl.

Clarke had stepped away from the bed and was leaning against the wall beside the window. Her legs were bare. Her blonde hair messy. Lexa's eyes took it all in, all of her, and the beauty radiating off of her.

She was beautiful.

Wrecked, but still oh so very beautiful.

"No, not really", Clarke answered and reached up to tame her hair back from her face, scrunching up her nose at the effort of moving her muscles. "I must have gotten really hammered", she continued. Lexa watched her quietly from her place in the bed, unable to not noticed the way the sunshine made the blonde's face look softer, younger and how the tired blue colour of her eyes seemed to glow in direct sunlight. She was caught in that moment by blue wonders and her heart stopped, almost as if it was convinced that she wasn't worth of looking upon such beauty. "I did something, didn't I?", Clarke asked softly.

"You were your normal drunk self", Lexa said and tried to say it jokingly, but every word tasted like acid on her tongue.

"But I did something", Clarke argued. The way she persisted made Lexa question if she really didn't remember anything at all. "I can see it on your face, Lexa". The girl with the emerald green gaze hesitated, her hands rubbing together in hiding below the sheets and her heart thumping hard against its cage. "Just tell me".

"You might have kissed someone". Clarke furrowed her forehead in thought, but remained quiet. Lexa swore quietly at herself, realizing now that it was true - she didn't remember. "It's okay if you don't remember", she added and got up from the bed, feeling the urge or more like desperateneed to get out of there.

To get away from her.

"Was it anyone in particular?".

She was frozen. Completely and utterly frozen. The question rang through her bones, causing her whole body to buzz. With sadness. With hope. With annoyingly bright light.

"No". She had answered too quickly, quick enough for it to be suspicious and she noticed that the blonde had heard it too. "I don't even know who it was, you only told me afterwards and like you said you were hammered, I could barely make sense of what you said", Lexa added to cover up what she could of her rushed answer.

The blonde kept her gaze fixed at the green eyed girl, only hummed quietly at the answer she was given, leaving Lexa believing that she had messed up. Really messed up this time.

Then, the blonde shook her shoulders and turned around to ace the window again.

"Couldn't have been anyone memorable then or else I would have remembered".

Something broke within Lexa. Whatever it was it crumbled and killed the light in her chest.

"Right", she said and put on a fake smile. It was practically a reflex by that point, however the tears prickling at her eyes weren't.

"Do you want breakfast? I can whip up some pancakes?", the blonde asked with a cheery tone to her voice and let her blue eyes find Lexa's brown ones again. She looked happy again. Like everything was right in the world. Like nothing was wrong.

"I should go".

The blonde looked disappointed, but at the same time far from surprised. "Okay", she said and stepped around the bed until the two girls stood face to face. She put her arms around the green eyes girl and pulled her into a tight embrace. "Thanks for always being here for me", she whispered against the crook of Lexa's neck.

Every word luring tears up to the surface.

Lexa couldn't bring herself to answer.

Wouldn't let herself do anything other than getting out of that house within one breath.

The drive back home would forever remain a blur. A blackout in her otherwise clear memory. Perhaps it was a defence mechanism for what happened next.

As soon as Lexa set her foot in the door to her own home her wall crumbled into dust and she filled the empty space between those four walls with tears. She covered her mouth to strangle the cry that ripped through her throat. Her knees caved in and left her sliding down against the front door until she sat on the cold stone floor. She could smell her on the clothes she was wearing and on her own skin, her whole being had been infiltrated by her scent and presence.

Just like her whole word, all she could feel, hear, smell, love was her.

It was too much. Too close. She needed a distraction, one greater than any she had had in months and she needed it immediately.

Her phone warned her of a low battery level as soon as she unlocked it. She didn't need much time, only a handful of words to fit into a short conversation and then she'd get going. All she needed was that voice and the comfort it gave her for the time she needed to get out of there. The green eyed girl's fingers tapped in the number like that was all they had ever done her whole life and she hunched up her legs until they were under her chin as she listened to the call dialling.

All she needed was to get away. To find something other to focus on. Someone< that could keep her focused.

"Lexa? Hi. I wasn't expecting your call. How are you?".

A sob rolled of her lips before she had time to stop it and it set of a wave of emotions in her body. She knew that she wouldn't find salvation through throwing herself at someone else, but she could damn well try and drown everything she felt in someone who needed her as much as she needed them.

"I need you, Cos".