One

This Vestige

Sometimes I feel as though there’s no point in living and I cry. I just cry. In that moment everything piles up in my mind and it seems like nothing is worth doing. That despite my best efforts I will never truly be loved.

I will never really be someone’s first thought.

I will never be the one for anyone and at best I’ll be settled on.

Is that really what it will come to?

Being someone’s plan B?

I don’t want to be a fucking back up plan.

I want to be the one.

I want, just once, for someone to look at me and just smile because I have filled them with such a happiness that words could not express it. For someone to hold me and not want to let go.

To refuse to let go.

Maybe I’m just a hopeless romantic.

That would be a monumental tragedy if that kind of love didn’t really exist.

I leave my forlorn vestige.

I drive up to the mountain. It had a perfect view of the ocean. It was high enough to see absolutely everything. It was a beautiful scene and I watched the flow of the waves crashing on the shore. I sat down at the edge of the cliff. I felt a calm and ease feeling. I felt a sense of relief that maybe that place did give me those depressing vibes that reminded me of her.

A hand reached out to me and placed them on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" A woman's voice asked.

I turned and saw a woman with a white veil covering half of her face.

I laughed. Life is hilarious! I guess I could say I'm ready to take whatever life has to throw at me.

The woman stared at me and sat down by my side.

"Hey. Are you okay?" She asked again.

I chuckled. "No. I'm not okay. I'm so far from being okay."

She looked at me with sympathy.

Our eyes locked for a minute.

I swear to God, this woman resembled that creature.

That creature who had held my heart for so long. Who took it away from me, who made me learn to love something so deeply and genuinely. That creature I have longed for so long.

"Yoona." She whispered.

"Y-Yoona?" I repeated. I didn't understand.

"My name. Yoona." She said.

We talked for a long time. It probably has been long hours of us just talking or staring impeccably at each other or the ocean that lay before us.

I talked most of the time. She insisted that I tell my story instead because she told me that her whole life, she just lived in a near-by area and went to the mountains or the woods to find comfort. 

Then, I told her about my past with this beautiful girl. I thought she wouldn't believe me if I told her that my beloved was a mermaid, but she did. I was relieved. I continued telling her our story.

It's kind of weird because we just met, but I'm already telling her my whole life story. My whole love life that had crumbled in the remains of that vestige that simply sat by the sea.

I also told Yoona that I hated myself so much for letting her go. That night she led me back to that house, and hurting her with thoughts and feelings that come from the very bottom of my heart.

I told her how much I loathed myself, having to look at myself and realizing how much of a mess I've been. I hate looking back at the things I did and wondering why I did those. I told her that every single day, there's just something wrong. Just one trivial thing that can make me unhappy. I don't think it's even possible for a person to have a day without any bad feeling and thoughts.

After telling her a lot of my adventures, my life story and my hatred for myself, she only had one thing to say.

"Perhaps the reason you hate yourself so much has to do with the fact that you've poured all your love into someone else and left none for yourself."

I ponder this for a few moments. She's right.