One

Certain Kind Of Sadness

Here I am once again, in this depressing state. I lay down the sand and fall asleep. I think a few hours have passed and my girlfriend's trying to wake me up. 

"Andrew, wake up!" She nudges me and I slightly open my eyes.

I thought it was her, but as I woke up, I realized it was my girlfriend and the mermaid had left once again.

My incapability to let things and people go will always remain as one of my greatest weaknesses.

"Andrew, what's wrong?" She asks me as I stare blankly into the ocean.

"Nothing, let's just go."

We finally pack up and go home. As I drive, my girlfriend asks me this question that startles me.

"Who was that girl last night?"

I was frantic. I don't want anyone to find out about her ever. I also don't want to bring her up anymore. It only hurts me to talk about her, or even think about her.

"What girl? Who?" I asked nervously.

"A girl! I saw a girl last night! Before you dozed off on the beach, this girl was standing by you, caressed your skin and she even waved at me and swam off to the ocean."

I was stunned by what my girlfriend was saying right now.

How is that possible?

Last night, I was with her and my eyes definitely saw that she had a mermaid tail. I even carried her on my back yet my girlfriend tells me now that she saw that creature last night standing and waving goodbye?

Maybe it wasn't her.

Maybe it was just a different girl who happened to see me and did these things.

I'm not exactly sure but I'm pretty sure it couldn't be her. She couldn't change her tail to human legs by herself right? Or can she?

---

I stayed in my room from my old house the whole week accompanied by my girlfriend. I only drank water and ate biscuits for my breakfast, lunch and dinner.

That was the life I lived after meeting her again.

*knock knock knock* My girlfriend comes in with a cup of hot steaming ramen noodles in her hand.

"Andrew? I brought you some ramen noodles! They're your favorite right, so here have some and eat so you could recover soon." 

She felt my skin and I was kind of burning. I had a fever.

I lay my head on the pillow and close my eyes, ignoring the cup of noodles she placed on the side of my bed.

I wear this smile that I don't believe in. I feel like screaming my lungs out until they bleed. I assure her I'm fine and I drift off to a deep slumber and I began to dream of that beautiful creature again.

That very day we first met. I was playing volleyball with  my friends, and I saw her washed ashore.

Reminscing the days when you were mine.

And there it is again. That sense that I just can’t do things right. The feeling that I will never again feel the way I did so long ago. They always say there is someone for everyone but the question is are they to be believed?

We can blame all these things on a lot of things, or we can admit that we are shit people.

I wake up again.

Here I am, lying down my bed. There's nothing to do. I grab the cup of ramen noodles and my fork. It was too hot, so I dropped it by accident. I bend down to pick it up but I can't. My back hurts. Why is everything aching? My body, my mind, my heart and my soul. EVERYTHING. When will this pain end?

I reach for the fork that fell and pierce it through my skin.

I let out a little whimper because it actually hurt. Blood starts to drip all over my arm.

My girlfriend comes in and freaks out on what she sees.

"Andrew, what happened here? You should've called me instead so I could've helped you eat!"

I hide the scar I've made on my skin, but her eyes were too keen.

"Andrew, I saw that. What is the meaning of this?"

I tried to avoid her eyes, and begin to sob. 

"Please, darling. It's okay, I'm here. Tell me, what's wrong?"

I'm afraid of anyone knowing I'm hurt inside, so I push them away. I leave the bed and go to a corner of the room. I wanted to leave this place that held so many memories. Memories I wanted to erase for good. My head is throbbing from a migraine. I wanted to sleep. Succumb into an eternal slumber and never wake from it again.

I can't fight it every second of the day. I hurt myself today to see if I can still feel.

I keep so much pain inside myself. I grasp my anger and loneliness and hold it in my chest.

Someone grabs my hands and I turn. It was my girlfriend.

"Andrew, stop this! You're only hurting yourself!"

"No, you will never understand how much I hate myself!"

"I need to go out but I can't. I think I'm stuck here. I just need to take a break from life, you know?" I added.

"Go out and do something. It isn't this house that is a prison, it's yourself." She replied.

She looked me in the eyes, held my hands tightly and told me the most touching words ever. 

"Andrew, you've never let me in your heart. You always were distant to me, even if we had share happy moments together. There was something that barred us, that barred me from entering your heart and letting me love you. But if you ever meet that other half of your soul, you will understand why all your lovers had to let you go. Just like what I am doing right now. When you meet the one who deserves your heart, you finally will understand why you and all the others had to be apart." 

I kissed her goodbye.

"My darling, if I ever let you down, it's not because I didn't love you. It's because I never learned to love myself."

I left her, and began my quest to find that beautiful creature once again. I won't let her get away anymore. I realized that she was my other half. I will find her, and I will risk anything, even my life just to find her. I swear this time, I mean it.