Extra Small // N.H. AU

I. Funeral

I looked at myself in the mirror. I moved my arms down my black dress and that's when it all set in. The fact that today was his funeral.

The fact that he left in such a terrible way and that it was all my fault. I started the fight that made him. I'm the cause of all of this. I'm the reason there is a new childless mother in the world. I'm the reason many people lost a best friend. I'm the reason he's dead.

"Noelle? Are you coming love?" My best friend Harry said coming into the room. "What?" I asked turning around becasue quite honestly I am not aware of my surroundings much lately. "Are you ready to go?" he asked again. "Oh yeah." I said quietly as I turned back around to look in the mirror.

"You know you look beautiful right?" Harry asked as he moved closer to me and wrapped his arms around my waist and put his head on my shoulder. "No." I said. "You do, you're the most beautiful girl I know." he said trying to get me to smile. Something I haven't done in a week. "Thanks." I said as the right corner of my mouth formed a smirk.

"That's a good enough smile. I'll take it." he said smiling then kissing my cheek. "You wanna go now?" he asked. "Yeah." Is all I really wanted to say to him. He grabbed my right hand and pulled me out of the room.

We went out the front door and to his black escalade. He didn't let go of my hand until I was safely in the car. He got in and we were off to the funeral home. Most of the ride was silent, other then the sound of the cars passing by ours and the low hum of music.

"Thank you, for going with me. I didn't know who else to bring with me." I spoke the longest sentence I think I've spoke in the last week. "It's not a problem at all, it's what best friends are for right? To be there for you whenever you need them." he said and I nodded. "I know this is hard and all but a smile looks beautiful on you, you should wear one more." he smiled and it caused me to.

We pulled up to the funeral home and parked. We got out of the escalade and went into the brown bricked bulilding only to be surrounded by his friend's and family. Each one giving me either a sympathetic or a furious look.

Half of them feel the pain I'm currently witnessing and the other half thinks the same thing I do, I'm the reason he's dead.

I grip tightly onto Harry's hand and he doesn't seem fazed by the fact I am. He just begins rubbing his thumb on my knuckle. As we walked further and further into the funeral home I felt the stares intensify, I laid my head onto Harry's arm just to feel some sort of comfort. He didn't stop me, he just kept walking.

Then when he stopped undecided to finally open my eyes. Which was a bad idea. I saw the dark wood box with him laying inside. The casket was open and I could see the pain in his cold, pale face.

I let go of Harry's hand and walked closer to him. I looked closer at him and that's when reality set in for another time. The world around me started spinning. I didn't let this stop me.

I reached my hand down the his face and outlined his lips for the last time. They felt so cold. They looked so pale. The opposite of what they should be.

I rubbed the pad of my thumb along his cheek and they too felt lifeless. Because he was. He was gone.

I leaned down and placed a kiss on his head. Secretly praying this all be a joke but it isn't. This is reality, my painful reality. I stood back up and smiled at him as if he was just sleeping.

I tried to fool myself into thinking this was just him sleeping and that he will wake up and we will go see a movie together later. But I knew I was just trying to block the pain. Instead of letting it get to me I just make a logical explanation for it. Making myself numb.

"Noelle, we have to move so others can see him." Harry said when he moved beside me. I nodded my head as tears fell from my eyes and moved away from my boyfriend. From my Chandler that I loved so dearly. From the boy I wanted to spend my whole life with. From the boy I made kill himself.