Black Rose (Draco Malfoy)

Learning to Cope

Chapter 44: Learning to Cope

During my next lesson, Snape was the one to first diverge from the topic of potions. I had just finished stirring my potion, and now I was waiting for it to brew. I had elapsed into silence, and I was frowning down at the table. I was still not used to the pain. I was not sure how I was supposed to survive.

"Are you feeling alright?" Snape asked a casual tone.

I looked up, slightly surprised at the question. I could not discern if he actually cared or not, but what did I have to lose? At this point, I was willing to talk to anyone who would listen, which was actually not that many. "No," I said. "I've never felt worse." I let out a heavy sigh. "I don't even know how I got myself into this mess."

"Did you not know what you were getting yourself into?" Snape said coolly. "Was that wise?"

I frowned. "Everything was different when I met Draco! Basically everyone, including my parents, warned me against him. I ignored them because I thought they were wrong. I still think they were. Back then, it was about prejudices, stereotypes, judgment and condemnation. No one saw anything good in Draco, but I did..."

I found myself launching into the whole story, starting from the beginning. I could not tell if Snape was interested in what I had to say, but he did not cut me off and I could tell that he was listening. This made me feel better, so I continued. I had never sat down and told someone the story before. It was oddly therapeutic.

I stopped when I got to the third task of the Triwizard Tournament. I grew quiet for a minute before speaking again. "I could have handled everything if he hadn't come back," I said slowly. "I could have dealt with the house rivalry and Draco's attitude. We would have figured it out eventually. But then... when it happened..." I sucked in a sharp breath. "I knew everything had changed, but I wanted to deny it. I knew something would get between us. And now I've lost him." I stared down at my desk miserably. "And it hurts more than I had ever imagined. I did not expected this to happen. Everyone thought Draco was going to hurt me... but no one told me I would hurt myself by loving him."

"You were too young to comprehend it," Snape said in a softer tone than usually. "It's something most adults do not even have to go through."

Looking up at him, I had a feeling that he a sense of what I was talking about. Whatever had happened with the girl he had loved, he was not with her now, so it must have ended badly. "Does it go away? The pain?"

Snape was silent for a moment. "It does not disappear completely," he finally said, "but some days are better than others. You can't get rid of it. You must simply learn how to live with it. Life moves on even when you are not ready."

I nodded. That was not a very optimistic view, but it was realistic. It sounded like he knew personally what he was talking about, but I did not dare ask more yet. "I see. I'll try." I would have to. There were still other people in my life who were counting on me, and I could not let them down.

***

That Saturday, I tried to work on my homework in the common room instead of dorm or the library as usual, where I was always alone. There were several students around the common room, talking to each other, playing games, or reading. I ignored them all and focused on the essay I was supposed to be writing. I was usually good at these types of things, but today, the words would just not come. Giving up for now, I leaned my head against the couch, which I was sitting up against, and groaned.

"Hey, Crystal, do you want to play wizard chess?"

I looked up to see Seamus Finnigan offering me a friendly smile. I thought about the offer for a few seconds. Maybe I needed a break. "Ok," I agreed. I pulled myself up onto the couch beside him. "I haven't played much, though. You're going to have to refresh my memory on the rules."