Just Me, Myself, and I

Writing

I HATE WRITING.

I hate it because I'm not good at it.

I hate it because it's so hard for me.

I hate that I can't put the scenarios in my head into words.

I hate all the grammatical errors I make.

I hate MY writing.

...

Wait, so I think I DO like writing. What I hate is that I am not a good writer...

I just... I want so bad to be able to write my thoughts and my feelings in a way that people will understand, in a way they can relate. But, I can't. It's just not something I'm good at. (Not that I'm good at anything else.)

I try, I really do.

I enjoy being in control of what happens in a story. I feel accomplished when I finish and see everything I've written down. I stare at my work and feel like for once I've done something right.

But, all that changes when I hit the publish button... I freak out and go back to re-read what I wrote, trying to find any mistakes. And, I find them. Lots of them. Mistakes everywhere.

And, it's entirely my fault for never paying attention in English class. (Or any other class for that matter.) I even took a creative writing class but it seems it didn't help at all.

Oh, and you know what makes this whole thing worse? That I know two languages and I can't be a good writer in either one of them. You wouldn't think it's possible but my writing is SO much worse in Spanish. It's sad.

I know I judge myself too harshly and I'm trying to stop that. I tell myself that my writing can't be THAT bad, that there are probably other people who are worse at writing than me. It helps a little so I leave it at that.

Everything is all good, until.... I read another person's work. I try to enjoy the story I'm reading but I can't. All I see is their perfect writing, they way they put everything into words.

I start comparing my writing to their own and realize how bad my writing actually is. And I realize that I will never be as good a writer as them.

So, I give up. I stop trying.

And that, children, is why I am horrible at updating my stories.

Good thing no one actually reads them, otherwise there would be so many disappointed people.

Right now, the only person I'm disappointing is myself.