My life

Life

As we all know, there is an evil thing called anxiety and if you don't know what anxiety is. It's basically when your mind takes over. Makes you worry about pointless things. Emotionally drains you and makes you wonder if life is even remotely worth while.

In my case, can course depression.

Now I haven't actually been diagnosed with anxiety or depression for many reasons and I won't go into them now but I have done enough research to know that I do have it, or have had a glimpse. I'm not sure okay! But trust me when I say, it's not fun.

Some people see this as being "attention seeking" or "over dramatic" but a mental illness is no joke. Worrying day after day of what people think of you and how they see you. Feeling like you're being used, no one likes you, you're ugly, you're fat. You pick out the little things and make them into big things.

I recently realised that this isn't who I am. I realised that anxiety and depression are illness's and they are not a part of me as a person.

I have had anxiety ever since I could fully function. I remember going to a theme park when I was around 4-6 years old. I wouldn't go on the little kids rides because I was worried of getting judged. I remember seeing older kids on the rides and not having a care in the world and I honestly wondered how they did it without feeling like an outcast and I still do to this day. You shouldn't be worrying about that sort of stuff when you're that little.. but I just thought that was me, my personality. But it isn't.

When I was 14 I fell into depression. My anxiety had gotten stronger than ever before. My mind took over and was telling me things like 'no one likes you', 'you're too ugly', 'you're so fat'.. You get the drift. I felt like none of my closest friends liked me. And I still do sometimes. I remember around two months ago it got really bad. Every moment I could I would run to the loo and start balling my eyes out. I cried myself to sleep every night. It got better for a month or so. But now it's back again.

My family don't know and I don't think they ever will. Most of my friends don't know and if they do, they don't actually know how bad it is. They thinks it's nothing. A fling. When in reality it's eating me up inside. I don't know how much more I can take of this before I snap. But I guess we are going to have to wait and see because telling someone right now is not an option.

For anyone that has anxiety or depression and if you aren't a confident person, you know we all go to school and put a smile on our face to hide the pain. People go somewhere and truly have fun and enjoy themselves but I feel like people with depression or anxiety go places to take our mind of it.

Okay I better stop rambling now. I'm sorry this "entry" was so dark but I feel like I needed to get that off my chest. I think I was going to overload so I just decided to write on here. Which by the way!! I do recommend starting to write a diary of some sort because it does help.

If you are struggling with anxiety or depression right now, please tell someone. I know I'm stupid for saying this and not actually taking my own advice but I honestly feel like I can't tell anyone right now. I'm not ready.

If you also feel like you can't talk to someone, I am here. Please feel free to message me whenever.

until next time..
au revoir! 👋🏻