My Favorite Mistake (1D / H.S./ Harry Styles)- REVISING

Chapter 36

The month I was giving it re-evaluate our relationship hasn't gone too well. It's killing me. I adore Louis and want the freedom to go wherever we want. There was, actually, a fan who followed him home last week. This is just too much for me. Haven't any of these people heard of common courtesy and respecting other people's privacy? I feel like a caged animal and it's driving me mad.

I've expressed all this to Louis and his solution was to stay home on the weekends with an occasional trip out of town about every four months or so. This is a great solution for someone who enjoys being cooped up all day...every day. I'm not that person. When I do go out without him, I feel guilty and keep thinking how much more fun it would be if he was with me.

I feel absolutely awful but I think I'm going to need a break. I don't want this fandom stuff to cloud my judgement on our relationship. My parents offered for me to move back for a short time to get my head on straight.

My mom and I still have our differences but not like we used to. She's stopped calling me every day to remind me how many squares of toilet paper I should be using to wipe my ass...just kidding. She never got THAT bad. Close! But not that bad.

Harry and I talk once a week now. He's been a fantastic listener. I'm sure I'm driving him crazy with my emotional shit storm. From the sounds of it, he's dating a little here and there but nothing too serious. He's got quite a load of classes this semester. So, he's trying to stay focused.

Lisa and Ashton are still seeing each other. Ashton is so smitten with her. I'm glad. She deserves a good guy.

Anne and I still work together, although, there are some rumblings about things getting restructured. Not sure what that exactly means but I'm hoping it means we'll continue to have our jobs. It's nerve racking knowing that your fate is in someone else's hands.

Tonight I'm talking to Louis about taking a break. I seriously can't handle this any more. My heart aches in my chest. I don't want to break him. I'm so dreading this conversation. The more I play it out in my head, the more selfish I sound.

I walk in the door from a long day at work and Louis picked up Pizza Hut for dinner. He greets me from the living room. I make my way to the bedroom and change into some pajama pants and a tank top. I'm exhausted. This anxiety is draining me.

We eat dinner and talk about our days. After dinner, I clean up and do dishes. I join him in the living room when I'm finished.

"Louis, can we talk?"

"Of course." He turns off the TV. "I think I know what you're going to say. I can see it written all over your face. You're still unhappy." His face falls when he hears himself say it out loud.

Tears begin to build in my eyes. I wish I could handle his fame but I can't...I just can't.

"I am. I've tried to maul it over all month. I love you and I love being with you. I love going places and experiencing things with you. What I don't love is the multiple times we are interrupted when we are trying to eat, spend quality time together, and time with our families. I don't love having to be locked up inside all the time just to spend quality time with you. I feel like a caged animal."

His face falls. "I know. I never stop you from going out on the weekends."

"You don't but I'd rather be doing whatever I am out there with you. I am not asking you to quit your job. I am extremely proud of you and your success with that morning show. You have worked hard and it has paid off. I am just not loving absolutely everything that comes with it. Please understand, I am so not blaming you. It isn't your fault. People just don't understand the concept of common courtesy and respect for privacy."

Tears begin to stream down his cheeks. "I am so sorry, Sam."

My heart breaks into a million pieces.

"Louis, it isn't your fault. I've been trying to be more understanding and patient with everything but it just isn't working. I think I need to take a step back and take a break." There. I said it. It stung, but I said it.

"A break from us?" He barely gets out.

"Yes. I need to clear my head to figure out how I can handle this better." I can't look him in the eye.

"Where will you go?"

"I was going to move back in with my parents while I figure it out."

We are both a mess. I need to do this. Louis deserves all of me and I can't give him all of me when I'm unhappy. And, if I can't do that, then he deserves someone who can. God! Why does it have to hurt so bad?!

"Can you please spend the night with me tonight?" He finally gets out as he sobs with his face buried into his hands.

"Of course I will."

We hug each other uncontrollably crying. This truly sucks.

After what seems like a good twenty minutes, we head into the bedroom and hold each other until we fall asleep.

* * * *

The next morning comes quickly as the sun peaks through the blinds into the bedroom. We are intertwined, as usual. This time I am awaken by a finger gently removing pieces of my hair from my face. I open my eyes to get focused on Louis lying there with a melancholy look staring at me. His eyes are swollen from all of our crying last night. He forces a half smile for me. I return it as best I can.

I spend the morning packing and Louis apologizes but he can't help. He sits in the living room as I hear him sniffle from time to time. I keep wiping the tears from my face and blowing my nose. I need to do get this done as quickly as possible.

"This is the last of it." I say as I bring my last bag to the door to go in the car.

He slowly gets up from the couch and comes over. "I am so sorry, Sam." He hoarsely says as he hugs me burying his face in my shoulder. He begins to cry which gets me started again.

"I am so sorry that I'm such a selfish bitch." I sob. That's exactly what I am.

"No, you're not. You are far from that." He looks me in the eye. "Please text or call when you get to your parents' house."

"I will. I love you." I lose it.

"I love you so much!" He places his hands on either side of my face and kisses me.

I move slowly out the door. I look over my shoulder to see the broken man I am walking away from. I need to do this. Keep walking, pull out of the driveway, focus on the road, and continue to my parents' house.

The tears continue to fall down my face the entire drive. My heart feel like it has been shattered. Am I making the right choice?