Shattered

It's Nothing

"What happened to you? My God." Cara asked after opening the door on which I had knocked. Cara was my best friend, she was 22.My bruises hadn't completely healed yet.
I stepped inside and she rushed me over to the couch where she very softly hugged me.
"It's a long story," I said quietly, avoiding eye contact and rubbing my arms. The clock ticked, she blinked, the whole world seemed to be waiting for my explanation...
"Well I can see you don't want to talk about it yet, its alright." she moved in front of me and held my hands as she looked into my eyes.
"Whatever it is... I just hope you're okay. Really. I'm always going to be here for you." Her brown eyes seemed to be reading my every thought, emotion, problem. It was uncomfortable. I shifted and smiled.
"I'm fine..." I lied. I most definitely was not "fine". I ached. Not just a physical ache, but a psychological one.
She got up after placing a kiss on my forehead and walked into the kitchen to begin preparing dinner.
I sat alone on the couch and blinked several times, something I did when there was an issue. I just felt like exploding. I hated myself and felt like I was a disturbance to the universe.
I pulled up my sleeve and examined my left arm, frowning at the deep pink scars from a previous suicide attempt. I should've done it. Just a little deeper and I'd be gone. The thought of having people wait on me, even for just a second, or ask me how I'm doing even though they don't really care, or tell me I did a great job on something when they really think it's horrible, it bothers me. A waste of space and life.
Sure I was only 17, but if I had gone this far in life without making any significant changes in my life or others, I wasn't going to make any at all. At least that's how I looked at it.

Cara returned and stopped abruptly when she saw my arm. I had forgotten to pull my sleeve down.
" Emily..."
I jumped up and ran out the door. I couldn't handle this right now. I did not need more confrontation!
I ran and didn't stop until I was at the corner. I decided going left might be more interesting, as there seemed to be more city over there.
Once by a parking lot of a small convenience store, I pulled out my pack of cigarettes and lit one. I understood her concern but she should have waited to talk to me about it. I frowned and moved my dark hair out of my face. I scoped out my surroundings and pulled out my phone. I sighed. I had been gone for nearly an hour.
8 unread messages, 4 missed calls

My screen read. I opened them. they were all from Cara.

"Where are you?"
"Em I'm really worried where are you?!"
"Damn it Emily come back or I'm going to send Ryan after you!"
Ryan was her fiancée.

And so they continued to be more and more frantic. A few minutes later I heard a police siren and looked up as the door closed. Aw dammit, it was Ryan.
"Emily. you need to come home." he softly coaxed and held out his hand. I stayed put in my spot leaned up against the building.
"Please, Emily. Cara's really freaking out."
I sighed, put out my cigarette and got into the car.

"You know you're like family to us, Emily. We don't ever want you to be hurt," Ryan said as we pulled into the driveway. I could see Cara in the doorway.
"Just walk straight upstairs. Go into our guest room, I'll bring your things up." he smiled.

I got out of the car, walked past Cara, and went straight into the room. I couldn't believe this. It only made me hate myself more!

I fell asleep on the bed,& dreamt of being in a house fire and Cara was trapped. I remember walking through the flames, unable to feel them. She just cried as I carried her outside to safety. But I just faded into the ashes.
I awoke slightly disturbed. my bags were next to the bed and a note was on the night stand. I picked it up and read it.
"Em,
Left overs are in the fridge if you get hungry. I love you.
- Cara"

Hm. I was pretty hungry, I hadn't eaten for like 2 days. Being careful not to wake anybody, I walked down stairs and into the kitchen. It was so quiet out here in the country, unlike my "home" in New York. I say "home" because it wasn't even close to being a functional residence, unless you think being beaten by your drunk father and seeing your mother talk to herself is normal. And not regular "speaking my thoughts" talking. She would have entire conversations about things with herself. Last year Cara and Ryan moved out here to Louisiana and I had had enough of my parents' crap. I've been gone for 6 months now and I doubt they even notice my absence.

I scowled as I remembered this. "Fucking degenerates." I mumbled and opened the container of food.
"Ooh," I said as I looked inside. "steak and potatoes,". That lifted my mood some. I ate it slowly, savoring it.

I turned around as I had heard someone enter the kitchen. It was Cara.
"Hi," she said, tying her long brunette hair up in a bun.
I blinked a few times.
"Hi." I continued eating in silence as she walked outside with a small dog, which I assume was hers. After a few minutes, she and the dog came back inside. "How is it?" she asked, nodding to the food.
"It's great...thank you." the last two words almost tasted like poison coming from my mouth. Why? She was my best friend! I should be thankful.
I washed off my dishes and sat next to her on the couch.
Child's Play 2 was on TV. I watched as Chucky sliced a mans throat open with hair cutting scissors.
"Oh gross." Cara cringed as the blood dripped onto the man's chest.
I smiled at the gore but after a while headed up to bed.