Shattered

Failed Attempt

Adrian and I walked back to my house. it was midnight when we unlocked the door and found Cara and Ryan asleep on the couch while the TV played a romantic comedy.
"Well, I'll see you later," Adrian whispered and smiled as he headed out the door. I grabbed his hand.
"Not yet. Come hang out with me." I smiled and walked upstairs, he followed.
Once in my room, I closed the door and took off my jacket. Adrian sat on the bed, looking around and occasionally watching me as I continued to undress.
"Whatcha doin?" he chuckled.
"You're high, not an idiot, Adrian."
I locked the door and turned to him, standing there in my undies and bra.
My chocolate brown hair fell in soft waves past my shoulders.
"You said you loved me... Now show me," I said as I sat on top of him and kissed him.
"I know they look bad. But they could be worse," I whispered as he inconspicuously glanced at my scars.
"Oh Emily," he said as tears formed in his eyes.
He kissed me and held me like I was the most precious thing he has ever had.
And so it went on from there.


Afterwards, we lay in bed,each smoking a cigarette and cuddling.
"Em, promise me something." he said.
I wasn't good with promises..
"What is it?"
"Promise me you won't hurt yourself again," he said seriously. Something about the tone of his voice sent an icy dagger through my heart.
"I... I promise," I whispered.
"Thank you," he cuddled me. We fell asleep and were woken up by seine knocking on the door.
"Crap! it's probably Cara," I said as he jumped up and threw his clothes on.
"See you later. I love you!!!" he whispered and jumped out of the window.
"Emily, come on.. open the door." Cara said impatiently on the other side.
"Alright, alright.." I wrapped the blanket around me and opened the door.
She looked me up and down.
"Uhhh. I have the day off today and I need help with shopping." she said, trying not to make the situation even more awkward.
"Okay." I yawned and reached up to cover my mouth, my scarred arm now being the center of attention unintentionally.
She cringed and looked away.
"Well just try to be ready soon ok? Why are you in a blanket, where are your clothes?"
"Ummm... in my bag." I said, as I couldn't remember where I'd put them last night.
"Need them washed?"
"Yeah, I'll do it later." I said.
"'Kay." Cara smiled and walked off.


After I washed my clothes, I pulled them out of the dryer. I stood in the basement in clean underwear, pulling on my Puddle of Mudd t shirt, blue jeans and black hoodie. Oh so warm.
I brought up their laundry and was about to walk into the living room with it when I heard Ryan saying,
"Honey I'm sure she's fine. I know it upsets you that they're a reminder of the past . Scars aren't easy to get rid of. just try to ignore them. It bothers me too but it's not my place to ask about them. You're her best friend. I'm sure shed be more open to talking to you about it."
"I just can't. I don't want to hurt her any more than she already does. Its like she's just bleeding pain. God it hurts to think about how she must feel. I just feel like I can't help and it crushes me, Ryan. When I collected her clothes from her room this morning I found a pipe in her pants pocket! What the hell do we do?" she was crying now.

Oh my God. I was hurting them by being here, by hurting, by finding ways to release my pain and anger. I felt sick. Tears formed in my eyes as I walked into the living room carrying the laundry basket. I walked up to my room and slammed the door.
Placing my head in my lap, I cried.
"Do it," the voices in my head echoed.
"They'll be much happier with you gone,"
"No!" I said angrily.
But the idea of hurting myself again seemed like heaven. It had been months since I had.
I locked the door and grabbed a new razor from the bathroom that was connected my room.
I paced back and forth before sitting on the floor and breaking apart the plastic which held the blades.
My fingers had already been poked by the blade's edges.
I broke off the top blade, held it in my hand and stared at it for a second before pressing it down on my skin and running it towards me.
The familiar sting felt good. Why, I didn't know. No sane person should enjoy being hurt, especially intentionally by themselves.
( SIDE NOTE: I, the author, do NOT think people who self harm are in any way crazy.My intention is not to offend, please don't hate me for adding this in!!! its just my character!)

I remember that some time later, Ryan had broken down the door and Cara came looking for me and found me in the shower, sitting there feeling quite numb.
She screamed and called Ryan for help.
"Oh my God Emily! Why?" Cara sobbed as Ryan called for an ambulance. I could hear him in the distance.
"5551 Hill Street, suicide attempt, send ambulance immediately,"


Over the next few days, things faded in and out. Faces, words, everything.
I occasionally saw Ryan standing over me, praying. He was a sweet guy. I wasn't sure what I believed in but I appreciated his gestures and thoughts.
Cara had come in one night and vented about how sorry she was. She didn't feel she was doing a good enough job as my best friend. She began to cry and I felt so bad. Somehow I was able to move my hand over to hers and hold it loosely.
"It's not your fault. I love you." I said with what breath I could gather.
She cried even harder, resting her head on my shoulder.
Then everything got brighter and faded out.