Barely Breathing

Chapter 5

Natalie sits down in the seat again, I take it that's her permanant spot this year. Yay me. Today the weather was gloomy and gave me bad thoughts so I actually payed attention to class. 

To be honest this class was actually interesting, it held a lot of secrets about the US and it's struggle to start and thrive, like me, I hold secrets that will never be released, I've fought my battles and wars and I've come out wounded, like many brave soliders. My battle scars may not be as severe, but they're there to show what I can do with something on mind. 

The class ends too soon and I find myself automatically headed to the art room, pencil in hand I draw a rough sketch of a key with a lock. 

To me, the picture symbolized strength and secrets, to my classmates; my oddness and another reason to think I'm mental. 

I tuck away the paper in my bin as the bell rings and I head off to home. Natalie stops me. Again. 

"Want me to come to your house this time? Unless you have something going on or you know you don't want me there, your mom won't approve or there's something-" 

"Natalie. You can come over." I stopped her in mid sentence and her face broke out in smile. 

"Alright, I've got everything that we plannned out yesterday with me and we can start making the timeline. I saw your key in art by the way, very nice, you can draw out the timeline since you've got the artist skills." 

"Alright. You can write the paper while I draw it out." 

"Sounds good to me." 

We walked in silence the rest of the way. Natalie looking around at the neighborhood as we walked. 

"I've never been to this part of town." 

"It's like 2 blocks from your house." I retort 

"Well yeah, but so far I've only walked to school and back, I haven't ventured out." she ignores me rude comment. 

"How long have you been here?" 

"About a week." 

The conversation ends and I feel awkward like I should make conversation again. 

"Soooo.. do you do any sports?" I drawl on the 'so' 

"Yeah! I do cheer! It's a lot of fun, my old school did stunt contests and I'm talking to the cheer coach to see if we could try them out. It's fun, you should go out." 

"I don't know if I'd have the strength." 

"Weights. duh." 

"yeah..." I trailed off from the now awkward conversation. 

"So what about you? Any sports?" 

"I used to play football, but when Shayla died I got to weak." I didn't think before speaking, it was like Natalie could get anything out of me. 

"Shayla? I think I've heard her name before." 

"Probably, she was football cheer caption her sophomore year, that takes a lot." 

"That's where I've heard it. I was told she just moved." 

"No..." the tears sting in my eyes and I hold them back, no one sees Lena cry. No one. 

"So, Wanna start working?" 

I hadn't even realized we were back to my house with all the talking to be honest. It felt good, I felt like Natalie was someone I could run to in my time of need. 

I drew the timeline out and Natalie worked on research for the paper. Time actually flew by this time and I realized Natalie was actually really cool. She left around 6 and mom told her to stop by anytime. 

"She was nice. I like her." mom states as she sips her hot chocolate. Fall was coming and mom was getting happier as I was getting sadder. Mom loves the cold, I used to, but my body can't keep heat like it used to. 

"Yeah, I can actually stand her." 

"Honey.. ever since.... you've been secluding yourself, people try to talk to you and you shake them off, you don't want anything to do with people anymore, why?" 

"Mom, I've been asking myself the same thing. But ever since the divorce you've been more distant with me!!! You're never home anymore, you're always out with friends, and dad, what happened to dad? O that's right, you told him he can't speak to me anymore, wow, you took it great, put yourself in my shoes for once, you're doing the same thing but for different reasons." I started down the steps to my room when mom yelled out one last thing that really pissed me off beyond what I already was. 

"You're still young, you need friends. You look like a damn outcast and I'm the stupid mother who "doesn't" notice it." 

My music blares as the sweet sound of Kellin Quinn bounced off the walls. It was loud enough to where I can feel the vibrations. Mom has tried to enter my room twice but I've locked the door and put a barrier on it to prevent her from picking it. 

I cried. and cried. 

Natalie and mom both brought back memories from the day that started it all. 

****Flashback*** 

"Shayla!? You home?" I had just let myself into the house, as usual, and Shayla wasn't answering my calls. She had a bad day at school and I figured I would try to comfort her, her being like my sister in all. 

I moved a heavy block out of the way of the screen door and head down the hallwat. The door on the end was Natalie's room and practically mine too. Most of my clothes were in her closet and hers mine. I approached the door and slowly turned the handle scared to disrupt her. 

"Shayla, It's me." 

... silence.. 

I open the door further and peeked my head in. Her room was a mess, very unusual, clothes and paper everywhere so that the only visible was her bed. I opened the door all the way and looked the left of the room. 

Maybe I shouldn't have. I screamed and ran, tears streaming down my face. I was too late. 

****End of Flashback*** 

I cry myself to sleep that night. Mom brings in a glass of milk and cookies. I want to eat the cookies but my hands won't let me, they don't even remember how to feed itself. 

The weight of me on my bed barely dips anymore. I feel somewhat accomplished. 

A cup of cold coffee sits on the counter as I check to make sure mom isn't home. I throw the cookies down the garbage disposal and watch as they get crunched down. Now I definatly can't eat them. THe milk gets poured down the drain and swapped for water. 

I take a tiny bite of a banana and feel full so the rest goes down the garbage disposal as well. I feel like a waster and that mom wastes the little money she has on me and my no eating. 

Mom wrote a note on the fridge and I take it down to read it. My eyes strain to see and finally make out "I'll be gone all day, cold pizza is in the fridge for lunch and there's some Mac' n cheese for supper. Love you and I'm sorry for what I said, there's more cookies in the cookie jar." 

So cookies were a way to make up for what she did when I can't even stand to look at them. Great. 

Mom went more distant than ever this week, I see her in the mornings right as she's walking out the door. She leaves earlier than usual and comes home late. Ethan notices the tension and tries to keep me busy to get my mind off things. 

"What do you say we go out Friday? We can go the football game and then we can go out somewhere." Ethan suggests sitting at the island one day. 

"Umm.. do we have to go to the game? It'll be freezing cold." I work my way around having to go to a school event with my brother and risk him realizes how my fellow classmates treat me and look at me. 

"If you don't want to we can go to a movie or something." 

"sure." 

Movie it was. I didn't want to go out in public, but most of my fellow classmates would be at the game anyway. Or at least I hoped.