Her Choice

Chapter 7

"Hey Mom," I whispered, poking my head into her room. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Of course, honey. Come on in." She patted the side of her bed and pulled back the blankets. I immediately ran and jumped into bed with her, snuggling up to her side, causing her to chuckle.

"Okay, I'm not quite sure how to say this." I took a deep breath in and snuggled into her side, knowing that if I looked at her as I said this I'd break down crying, and I can't let my mom see me weak. She's having a hard enough time and this conversation isn't going to make it any easier.

"Whatever you need to say honey, say it. You know you can tell me anything," she said soothingly, stroking my hair and giving me a kiss on the top of my head. 

"Okay, here it goes. I want to go to boarding school, or move somewhere new or something. I know that leaving is like the last thing that we should be doing right now, splitting our family up any more than it already has been. But I c-can't," my tears got in the way of my words, even though I promised myself I wouldn't cry. My mom just waited patiently for me to collect my thoughts. "I can't be here mom, it's too hard. Every day I walk in school I'm reminded of getting that letter. I have flashbacks. I think about all the things I will never get to do with Dad and Trevor. We were all so excited to move here, they couldn't wait for all the things we would get to experience, and now I just think about everything I'll never get to do with them."

"Oh, honey, I know how hard this is for you," my mom said and I could hear the tears in her eyes as well. We were both crying. "The last thing I want is to lose you too, even if it's only to a boarding school. However, baby, I understand that staying here is hard. How much thought have you given this?"

"I've been thinking about it since I went back to school for the first time after they passed away. It was just a brief thought then and I was hoping that it would go away and things would get better as time passed. But mom, nothing's changed even slightly. If anything, it gets harder and harder as time goes by. I don't know how well I'm going to do this school year, and I don't know how well I'm going to do mentally this year if I continue on like this. Mom, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm not stronger and that I don't know what to do and that I can't stay here. I'm so sorry, Mommy." I've dissolved into tears, sobs wracking through my body as I feel my mom shaking underneath me from her own tears. 

"Sweetheart, listen to me. You do not need to apologize for your feelings, ever. Look at me." When I didn't look up, she grabbed my chin and made my eyes meet hers. "Promise me, you'll never again apologize for the way you feel. You are so strong. Being able to admit that you're not okay is a strength in itself. Knowing what you need is a strength. You are so strong, honey, and everything you're feeling is valid. Do you understand me?"

I nodded my head, but that wasn't good enough for her. "Yes mom," I finally said, snuggling closer in to her side.

"I love you, Teagan Rae, and I understand that we need to do what's best for you. You've been through so much over these past couple years, and I don't want you to suffer because you feel like you have to stay here for me. I'll be okay. We can start researching boarding schools, but I have one requirement for you."

"What's that?" I asked, with a new hope blossoming in my chest. A hope that I can move on from all of this tragedy and start over, hopefully for the last time.

"The boarding school has to be in California. I have to be able to easily come visit you on weekends if I need to, and you need to be able to come home if necessary. I can't have you going across the country. I need you to be at least some what accessible." She gave me a sad smile, and in that moment I knew that as much as it might break my mom's heart to not have me at home, she would do whatever she could to make sure I'm okay.

"I'm going to go start researching schools. I love you so much mom, thank you thank you thank you!" I gave her a huge hug, causing her to chuckle.

"I love you too, sweetheart. Let me know when you've narrowed it down to a few schools." She kissed the top of my head before releasing me to take off out of her room and run to my computer.

A week later, I had it narrowed down.

"Mom! Mom! Mom!" I yelled, skidding into the kitchen in my socks and using the island to stop myself. 

She looked up at me from the magazine and chuckled, rolling her eyes at my antics. 

"What's got your feathers all ruffled, little speed demon?" Ryan chuckled before stuffing his face with the sandwich he just made.

"I found it mom! I found the perfect school. I don't even need to narrow it down from a few because this one is perfect. I promise you, mom! It's absolutely perfect!" I was bouncing on the balls of my feet because I couldn't contain my excitement.

"Pwefwect scwoo?" Ryan tried to say through a giant bite of sandwich, looking back and forth between my mom and I with confusion.

"I didn't want to bring it up until I found the perfect school and knew for sure, but I talked to mom about it and I'm looking into boarding schools. It's just way to hard for me to be here, constantly thinking about getting the news and all the things we'll never get to do together." I shrugged, looking down at the counter and avoiding eye contact. Sometimes, feelings are just too hard to talk about.

"I fink," Ryan paused, gulping down his sandwich. "I think that's a great idea Tea, you have to do what's best for you."

"Agreed," my mom smiled, "now tell me about this school that has you so excited."

"So it's called Ocean View Academy and it's in Santa Barbara, which means it's only a 3 hour drive from here! It's the number 2 boarding school in California, and one of the top 10 in the country as far as academics go. They offer AP and IB classes, and have both competitive sports as well as intramural teams like swimming, boxing, innertube water polo, and a bunch others. They have over 100 clubs that I can get involved in, and," I took a huge breath in, because I'd been talking so fast without pausing to breathe. "And it's beautiful." 

Both my mom and Ryan were looking at me with laughter in their eyes. Ryan was also looking at me curiously and I didn't miss the way his eyebrows shot up when I mentioned the swim team.

"I think it sounds amazing, Tea." Ryan smiled at me, looking at me with pride.

"I'm so proud of you honey," my mom had tears in her eyes, "it sounds like you did your research and this school sounds amazing. I think it will be a good place for you and it's only 3 hours away, which is a bonus for me. Let me look into it a little bit more and make some calls." She got up from her seat and came around the island to give me a huge hug. "I love you, sweetheart," she whispered into my hair before kissing the top of my head and letting me go.

As I walk out of the kitchen, I can't help but hope that this is the last new beginning I need, while also hoping that this time, it will be different.