Her Choice

Chapter 8

"Hey Tea, I need to talk with you about something," Ryan said, edging his way through my door.

"What's up?" I made space on my bed, patting the spot next to me, signaling for him to sit and speak.

"Look, hon, I really think that you should give swimming another go," he started and I immediately went to cut him off.

"Ry-"

"No, Tea, here me out," he pleaded with his eyes, and I decided to just shut up and listen. I weakly nodded and he continued. "I know that you've decided that since dad and Trev's deaths, you don't wanna swim anymore. Well, my sweet little sis, I really think you should go back. You love swimming, don't you?" He looked at me when I didn't respond, and I nodded.  "So why not continue doing it? Hm? You even said when you were talking about that fun new school you found that they have a swim team. You probably wouldn't have brought it up if you were completely over swimming."

"Ryan who even knows if I'm going to be able to go to that school anyway? Mom hasn't heard anything back yet, so it doesn't matter."

"Teagan Rae," he grabbed my chin and made me look him in the eyes, "it doesn't matter if you go there or stay here, you can still swim again. You and I both know that coach would take you back in a heartbeat if you were to stay here. You love it, you and I both know that, and you have the opportunity to go back."

No one knew of how I started swimming, or me and my dad's plans, or the reason why I could no longer bring myself to swim or why I felt like I was going to drown every time I looked at a pool. Truth was, it brought back too many memories. Everything else I did, MMA, Kickboxing, working out, everything else was me. But swimming, that was all my dad, and without him here, I can't bring myself to swim.

"I just-- I just can't.. okay? Please just accept that. I'm not going to go back to swimming, and no matter what you say or do, you can't make me. I'm sorry, Ry, but no." He sighed and looked like he was having an internal battle with himself. Finally, he accepted what I said and pulled me into a hug.

"I hate to interrupt this sweet sibling moment, but I need to talk to Teagan Rae." I looked up to find my mom leaning against the door frame, looking at us with a smile on her face. Ryan got up and headed out of the room, complete with a stern look before he turned and walked down the hallway.

"What was that about?" My mom took Ryan's spot on my bed, looking at me patiently.

"He wants me to give swimming another go. He says that I should go back and that I wouldn't have brought it up last week when I was talking about the perks of that new school if I was completely over it and that he knows I love it so I shouldn't give it up."

"He does have a point, you know." She gave me a knowing look causing me to groan.

"I know, okay? I know he has a point," I stood up from the bed and started pacing around my room. "I understand what he's saying but it's just too hard, mom. Swimming was mine and dad's thing. It was our thing and I just can't do it without him. I just can't." As I looked at her, I couldn't imagine what she was seeing in my eyes, I knew how broken I felt and could only imagine how broken I looked.

"I know it's hard, honey, but he's not asking you to commit to it right now. Just think about it, okay? Just promise you'll consider it?" I nodded and sat back down next to her. She reached up and wiped the tears that I didn't even realize were running down my face. 

Sometimes I think I'm doing okay. Some days are easier, lighter, and I can see that things will be okay in the future. Other days, though, other days it hurts so bad I feel like I can't breathe. I have a physical pain in my chest where I feel like my heart's breaking over and over again as I think about them and the things I'm missing out on. On those days, I don't have any hope that I'll ever be okay again.