In the Middle

Christina

8/2/16

When you died, you left pieces of yourself for me to scavenge through that turned my tears into ocean waves crashing on my floor uncontrollably until I found myself drowning in the rising tide filling my lungs with salt water but I cannot breathe without air and you were my oxygen.

My constant tears gave me headaches so bad I could feel my brain expanding and pushing on the backs of my eyes like if they were closed doors, but they wouldn't open. Only reminding me how much pain it brings me when I open my eyes and don't see you there.

Whenever I hear your name it's like I get stabbed in the heart but no blood comes out, like my body was already drained empty from all the unanswered questions I carved into my skin trying to dig deep enough to find a reason to why you had to go. Why this had to happen to you. Why now. Why. why. why.

My mind is suffocating me and at night, I find myself staring into my phone's black screen hoping you'll say 'goodnight,' but as the hours go by, I start to rip out my hair like pulling would erase all the horrible thoughts in my head and bring you back. It just reminds me that there is no such thing as magic and that pixie dust can't make me fly up to you because it's not real, none of it is real, but you were.

Your voice would send me away on a magnificent boat with all my favorite things and you would pour yourself out to me as you sang every note like an angel I imagined in heaven would sound like, but now as I listen to your songs it sounds like an empty shell of a person because that's all I can see you as. You weren't there and this is all you left behind because you were now one of those angels I imagined in my head only now I cannot hear you anymore like as the sun set that night, your voice got quieter as the world got darker and for me, I woke up the next morning still in the darkness like the sun never came up. I was blinded because your light was gone and all I could see was darkness. 

I can't even think about a gun without you shooting through my brain like the bullets that plunged into yours. The night replays in my head a million times and I still can't figure out why he did it, like killing you would somehow benefit him. But how could that be true when you were like a god, so kind and healed so many. 

I will forever be in a state of grey and confused, like I woke up one day and you were gone.

but the thing is, that I did.