Seven Letters After You

Letter #4

     As painful as it was, I visited Topeka today. Most of the buildings have remained the way they were since we were kids. I walked along our path to school. I shut my eyes and let the wind kiss my skin. I took myself back to when we were in high school, and replayed your voice in my head.

     Whenever I opened my eyes expecting you next to me, you weren't.

      I wasn't able to make it to Topeka High; it was far too painful. From a distance, our old school looked the way it looked every winter, with that thick blanket of snow around it. When I walked back to where we used to live, our old homes still stood near each other. I envied the way they lasted together, and we didn't.

     I walked into the forest to find our tree. Sure enough, our initials were still visible. My love for you still stands strong. Years from now when we are both long gone, our mark of love will continue to exist.

     Here's to my fourth day of contemplation.

     I shall continue with yesterday's memory...

     I tried to take the dress off because you had picked it out, but I couldn't. The zip was stuck and I needed help taking it off. No one was home to help me. I ran downstairs. Before I left, I slammed my fists against the wall angrily. I almost wore the running shoes you bought me, but I threw them at the wall instead and ran outdoors completely barefoot. The cold wind bit at my skin, but I didn't care. The pain I was feeling inside was much worse.

     I felt utterly betrayed.

     I would never be anyone's priority.

     What was the point of living?

     I ran passed houses, not caring if anyone saw me. The streets were quiet for a Friday evening. I ran through the woods nearby, letting the remaining blades of grass cut my feet.

     Once I was exhausted, I turned around and started walking home. It was evening by then, and the sun was starting to set.

     I kept my eyes glued to the ground the whole walk home. My feet had small cuts all over them, but I couldn't have cared less. My heart was shattered.

     Suddenly, it rained. I hadn't noticed the storm clouds reflecting my emotions before; pathetic fallacy. The rain drops felt sharp against my skin, and the cold made me shiver. The rain was coming in my direction, I felt attacked. Attacked by life itself. The rain drops were the hurdles thrown at me, and I just couldn't find a way around them.

     The water soaked through the dress, making it a burden to wear. I felt heavy, drained. I hadn't noticed the salty tears flowing down my face until I tasted them on the surface of my lips. I didn't try to stop the tears. No one would be able to see them anyway.

     The rain washed away the blood on my feet, leaving the faint scars barely noticeable. I took the time to think.

     I thought of my parents crying.
     I thought of the sound of the flat line.
     I thought of the sight of her coffin on fire.
     I thought of all the nights I had spent alone pitying my existence.
     I thought of my father distancing himself from me since my mother was diagnosed.

     I thought about them isolating me my whole life, which caused me to become attached to the first person who I became close to in the outside world.

     Thunder roared above my petite figure. It was getting darker by the second. I took my sweet time getting home. I didn't bother rushing, knowing I would only be greeted by an empty house full of existing memories.