Seven Letters After You

Letter #6

People say, "time heals".
I promise you it's an utter lie.

Every time I think of you, I feel myself breaking. I had thought I was beyond broken when I first lost you, but I was wrong.

Remember our lonely cat lady neighbor? She caught me before I could unlock the door and offered me a cigarette. I refused at first, but she kept saying I needed it.

I know I promised to never smoke, but you promised to never leave... and you did.

She knew you were gone and attempted to cheer me up. I saw the look of pity in her eyes. I hated being looked that way. I missed the look of envy she used to get whenever she saw us together hand in hand.

My first cigarette didn't go well.
I attempted to suck in the cigarette smoke through my mouth, and ended up coughing it up. It tasted bitter. The nasty taste and tightness in my chest distracted me from you for a few seconds. I hated it, but I needed it. A few seconds was better than nothing.

She gave me an entire pack, and I smoked it in our bathroom. I crave death. I even tried shutting the vents and windows so I could die from carbon monoxide poisoning, but unfortunately my heart still continues to beat as I write this letter.
     I guess it was a way of forcing me to keep our promise.

Here's to Day 6 of 'thinking', though my decision is set in stone.

The day you asked me to be your girlfriend, I was stunned; too shocked to even speak.

You went against what your father had said and chose to dedicate yourself to me.

A few moments passed, and all I could do was stare at you. Our tears had stopped. You were nervous. Your lip was quivering, your breaths were shaky, and your eyes which were once mysterious held a sense of desperateness deep within them.

"Please, say something." You pleaded.

I tried, but nothing came out.

You started rambling, "Do you feel the same way? I know it's sudden, but are you ready? You don't have to say yes if you don't want to, I understand, but please at least say something- because I truly l-" you stopped yourself before continuing, "I feel very deeply about you, and I'm scared too, so will-"

I couldn't help the huge grin that spread across my face, "Yes." My one word reply was the answer to all your questions.

I could see the relief in your eyes, before you shut them and kissed me. All our kisses were desperate and hungry.

No words exist to describe the feeling of such bliss.

From that day, we continued doing everything together.
Every minute with you was exciting. You avoided your house as much as possible when your father was visiting. I waited outside on the occasions, and would hear the racial comments he would say against me.

"Yellow skin."
"Her father betrayed us by marrying an outsider."
"Asian savage."
"Communist!"
"She must be an animal, just like her Chinese ancestors."

I can't deny, they hurt. He even assumed I was Chinese, just because I was part Asian. However, I chose to focus on the fact that you had chosen me over your father.

Besides that, things went well. School did get stressful, but spent our afternoons finishing off homework, kissing, studying, and kissing. My father still remained a workaholic. You had seen him a few times, but he avoided conversation. I know you found it odd, but I'm thankful you didn't question him.