Mental?

Prolouge

I don't remember when it started or why but I do know that it has gotten worse. I know it feels like your drowning and you cant get back up to the surface of the water but at the same time you see that everyone around you is fine. I know how afraid and abandoned you feel but know one else notices.

Its like your a whole new person, you cant sleep because every time you go to bed you feel like something bad is going to happen; you cant eat because you feel like people will judge you for doing so.

It's like your friends and family don't care because if they did, they would have seen how lost you have become and how much you have drawn your self away but at the same time you don't want them to see that because you don't want them to worry. You don't want them to see how much pain your in and so you smile and laugh through the pain just to make sure that they stay happy and by the end of the day you have convinced your self that you have became an expert because if someone had seen through that smile or that laugh, they would have helped you by now.

I know how it feels to wish to have all of your broken pieces will be put back together but slowly your hope fades away until one day you had none. Slowly you start to feel numb having no hope that you will be put back together. Yeah I know how it all feels.

Since I can remember iv'e always wanted to be fixed but in time all of that hope gets crushed one way or another.

All my life i have always been a disgrace to my parents they have always loved my older brother more than me. I think that they thought that I didn't know but trust me I did. I always made sure that I got good grades even when my brother got C's and D's and I was on the honor roll they still loved him more saying he needed more attention because he had AD-HD. But believe me I knew they loved him more I could see it in their eyes.

So as I got older i tried to be the girl that my mother wanted me to be I would let her take me shopping and I would let her dress me up but that never seemed to work. By the time middle school came around my mom would call me fat so i would eat less and i would start to wear makeup but my mom would still look at me with disgust my dad was never around unless it was something for my brother so he couldn't see how bad things were getting.

At the end of 7th grade i had gotten the hang of not eating and doing my makeup and i started to get more guys attracted to me and one of them happend to be one of my brothers good friends and he made me feel loved until he started to ignore me and when my brother found out i tried to break up with him but he said he would kill himself because of me. I still ended things but guess what he didn't do what he said he was going to do.

I am now in my sophomore year and I am down to 95 lbs and nobody has noticed my mom still looks at me with disgust and at my brother with the purest love. I met this guy he has scars like me and he has family problems like I do. He makes me feel loved and if i need him he's there and if i push him away he doesn't stop trying if I don't want to talk about something he doesn't force me he lets me take my time and doesn't rush me. He is the most gentle and caring guy i have ever met met I remember showing him a song that showed how i felt about my self and i could see the tears slowly rolling down his cheeks. I remember apologizing over and over but he just held me making me feel safe.

I remember when he caught me not eating for days so he picked me up and carried me to his kitchen and made me some food from his child hood he wanted me to eat all of it but I only ate a couple of bites and I ended up feeling sick and disgusted with my self. But he made that feeling go away and I was slowly starting to gain my hope back.

A couple of months went by and everything was going amazing and as soon as I was feeling like that I could actually live I got grounded and I was left alone, I was left to my horrible thoughts. While I was grounded I guess things got worse I lost my hope again.

I did something that I will probably regret but why does that matter ill be dead so i will have no feelings because there will be no me. I will never do the things i have dreamed but thats what happens when you lose hope and you are filled with pain.

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Okay I know that it's not edited and I will be working on that in a little while and I would love to know what you think of it so far even if it's a rude comment because rude comments will just help me but if it's about how you don't think that this shouldn't be what my story is about then don't read it!!!!

Next chapter is when you will learn everyone's names!! Well not everyone just a couple.