Depressed Teen Journal

Lonely

Have you ever felt alone, unwanted? Like a prisoner in your own body?

Well I'm forced to carry this feeling everyday of my life, and it sucks.

And you get anxious when a lot of people are around you, you fee anxious about your family, about your future and maybe a few friends are your only escape from this trap that is your mind.

Well, a lot of people compare anxiety to fear but what people don't know it's that anxiety has nothing to do with fear, in fact it's quite worse.

Let's put this in perspective.

If you have a fear of heights people can tell you to got to a really tall building look down do it a couple times and you'll get over your fear.

Now if you have anxiety and you don't like being at high spots, it doesn't matter how many times you go on that building, how many times you go to the very top and look down, you're not gonna get over the way you're feeling.

You're always gonna feel trapped because it's not the world that scares you, it's nothing physical but what bothers you it's in your own mind.

If you have anxiety you probably relate when I say that, it doesn't matter where you're at, who you're with or what you're doing, you'll always feel alone, you'll always feel like you have no one to talk to because being alone and feeling lonely are not the same.

And well sometimes it feels like I may not be alone, but I feel lonely

I feel like I have no one to talk to, and as the day ends, the moon rises and the wind touched my bare back, a tear slides down my face.

And I question why me? Why do I never feel happy, maybe for a couple of minutes but it's always so temporary.

That word.
Temporary.

The word alone gives me panic attacks. Because everything is temporary, we are on a short time trip in this planet.

And here I am feeling lonely.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I see people surrounding me. My mom is laughing at some joke my dad made I crack a smile and pretend everything's ok when it's not.

Dollhouse.
A dollhouse it's where I live.

The perfect family with the perfect daughter.
If they only knew the scars she holds.
But they can't and they won't.
Because they can't deal with the real her she keeps hidden behind her makeup.

Her mom beats her up and calls her useless because she scratched her car.

Funny how she's so mad because of a 80 thousand dollar car when she should be worried about her 5 cent personality.

Anxiety.
It strikes again.

Why did she called me useless?
She's my mom.
Why am I never good enough.

Panic attack.
Heart races and my breath gets fast.

Lonely.
In my room crying.

All my friends can say is
"Don't be sad"
"It will be ok"
Sounding like fucking tumblr quotes

I feel like such a ghost
All the people who cared about me
I pushed them away.
Scared to get permanent feelings
On temporary people.

Temporary

Maybe that's what I should do
End this "temporary"
And turn into a real ghost

-Jess