shawn mendes imagines

Small Bump

On August 8, 2016, Shawn and I decided that we wanted to try for a baby. He was so sweet and, whilst I was stuck at work, he made up our bedroom with rose petals and candles, and we did it. However, minus the condom.

A few weeks later, on September 23rd, 2016, I took three pregnancy tests and all three came back positive. Shawn was out with his friends at that time so I waited nervously for his return, chewing my nails and wondering whether he would regret it.

When he came back to find me curled up on the kitchen counter in my pyjamas, tears in my eyes as I worried about what he might say, he forced me to tell him what was wrong. After I told him, he was positively ecstatic. He danced around the kitchen laughing, before picking me up and jumping around with me as well. His happiness immediately ceased my tears.

On November 17th, 2016, the day when the baby bump first appeared, I was so happy but scared. I worried that I wouldn't be a good enough mum and when I confessed these worries to Shawn, he told me that he thought I would be the best mum in the world. I then told him he would be the best father in the world.

On January 30th, 2017, I started to feel self conscious about my body as the numb was really starting to be more and more noticeable. I couldn't wear the tops I could before and had to stick to my baggy ones. At times I even had to borrow some of Shawn's. He told me that I still looked as beautiful to him as I had when he first met me.

On February 18th, 2017, We stopped our sexual activity. Shawn said that he was fine with ending it earlier, but I could tell he wanted to continue. And, who would say no to him?

We got our due date of May 6, 2017, and we were freaking out in excitement. We both agreed that we didn't want to know the baby's gender so it could be a surprise and only when we started coming up with names one night, whilst we were eating Hershey's and watching some shitty movie on Netflix.

On April 12, I got my first contraction, and was screaming in pain when Shawn finally got home and had to wait for a few minutes for me to stop screaming so I could tell him what's wrong. He got me a hot water bottle and gave me his hand to squeeze when the pain got too bad.

On April 29th, 2017, at 3:46 am, I was rushed to the hospital by a very stressed out Shawn after my water broke whilst I was sleeping and Shawn woke up to a very wet bed.

I was grunting in pain the entire way there and he would often look sideways at me, an agitated look taken over his face. We reached the hospital only minutes later and, propped up by Shawn, I made my way into a hospital bed where a midwife was waiting for us.

Her name was Casey and she was very friendly and warm, and told us not to worry and that it would be over quicker than we knew it.

However, it took around 6 hours for me to actually give birth to my child. The contractions were blindingly painful, and I was exhausted merely two hours after I went into labour.

Shawn was sat in a hard plastic orange chair for the full 6 hours, refusing to leave my side even for a toilet break. He whispered words of encouragement the whole time and kept a firm grip on my hand, telling me to not worry about breaking his hand by squeezing too hard because he was partly the reason I was in the pain I was right now.

At 9:47am in the sunny morning of April 30th, 2017, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I was so relieved it was over and so happy it was a girl, as Shawn promised we could name her Abigail, a name I had simply fallen in love with.

I was covered in sweat and tears, Shawn the same since the head had come out. He still kept a tight grip on my hand, and wiped my tears away for me.

But at 9:48am, just after we were allowed to hold her, baby Abigail's heartbeat was now non existent and at 9:49am, Abigail Aaliyah Mendes was pronounced dead.

I didn't quite believe it at first, as I was tired and desperately wanted to sleep. I heard Shawn take a small gasp and let out a small and soft "No" but I shook my head and refused to believe that my child, my first child, the one I had carried in my womb for the past 9 months had taken a few breaths and never breathed again.

I wasn't discharged until later that day, at 8:17pm after they had finished all the tests and had deemed me to be healthy, and they let us go with a "sorry for your loss". Even then I didn't believe them.

It was at 10:34pm that it hit me. My child was dead. It's due date was meant to be today. She was supposed to be alive but she wasn't. She didn't even have a chance at life.

I had been staring at the wall for a little over two hours and I then broke down, and I called for Shawn, who I had been avoiding for the past two hours and refused to talk to.

Shawn came running into the bathroom, where I was, once he heard my wailing. I had never cried so hard in my life. I sobbed into his chest for what seemed like hours until his shirt was soaked in my tears. She was meant to be here. She was meant to be part of our family.

At 1:04am, whilst I drank a cup of tea Shawn had made me, I spilt it as I broke down again, beating the table with my fist as I cursed God, screaming that it was his fault. Shawn had gone upstairs to take a shower and came down to find my knuckles bloody and my throat sore.

I screamed that it was my fault, that I was a stupid idiot and we shouldn't have tried for a baby, and then I started screaming at Shawn, that it was his fault and he should've stopped us and not have been so fucking dumb. I then cried even harder and tried to apologise, but he just wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

He cried at times, I knew he did, because he would quietly mention that he needed the bathroom and he would be in there for several minutes, and would come out with puffy eyes and insisted that it was just from lack of sleep. I hated that he didn't want to cry in front of me. He wanted to be strong one, the shoulder that I could cry on but I needed him to cry to me as well, so we could both mourn together.

It was true though, we were both suffering from lack of sleep. I would wake up to my pool of tears that had come from both my and Shawn's eyes and we would have to cuddle for hours as I clung to his shirt, crying until I couldn't take it anymore.

He really wanted a child, he was so excited to be able to spoil it rotten, buy her cute little outfits and buy her everything she could ever dream of. But that wasn't to be, and we were left to cry over the child we never had.

I knew we would get out of this dark time at some point, but it was taking so long. Shawn was broken at the fact that I was so broken at the point that I was almost unable to be put back together. He always knew what to do to make me feel better, but he felt powerless in this situation. We both did.

i hate this idea so much but i just wanted to try something new.