Bitter Sweet (Jongtae)

Heartache and bad decisions

Taemin p.o.v

The problem with a break up is everything becomes tainted. You no longer look at things the same you just see them. You see your favourite tv show and it reminds you of them. You see a corner of a street and it reminds you of them. You listen to a song and yet again it reminds you of them. You never really stop reminding yourself of it even after awhile. Everything becomes tainted. 
So when you think back to to those times and are reminded your heart sinks because you then think about the break up and the stupidness and the regret. You think how he said he didn't love you and you cried making a complete ass of yourself as you sobbed the words "your breaking my heart" or "please don't do this" but they always do it. They never go back on it when you say that. They never want to suddenly change their minds and think "wait no!".

So when you think back on it you kick yourself you think this is it. That's how they are going to remember me as the sobbing mess on their doorstep begging for a second chance. But why did you do it? Because it was love. It was deep undeniable love. You couldn't think of anything at that time because you were physically watching your dreams and hopes being smashed in front of your very eyes. You knew when they said those words it was over. It only takes a couple of words and just like that ? Everything ends you revert back to being strangers and you never speak to each other again.

When does it become normal for you to stop thinking of them? When does it become normal to stop caring or worrying? After all your strangers now. Strangers that once said I love you to each other. Strangers who once saw each other fully exposed. So when does it stop?

It never really stops. Everyday is just another day where you think a little less but also think a little more. Even when you find someone else you still think of them in a way or are reminded of them. It's the fact it hurts. It doesn't hurt like being punched it's like constantly aching like as though the pain feels so real but is not physical where it never really stops hurting and you can't find the exact spot it hurts but it hurts.

Well this was it I had just watched two years of my life become worthless. The person I had built my future around was now a stranger and I was left to fill the gaps up. The first week was the hardest. I had stopped eating and when I did it was because it was forced into my mouth. So when I got invited to another party how could I refuse. Any excuse to drink was a good enough excuse.

I remember the nervousness I felt as I prepared for the sympathetic looks everyone gave me. I walked into that party and there he was. Smiling laughing with everyone. I started to neck down as many drinks as I could and the next thing I know is I'm sitting on the floor with my head on this gorgeous boys shoulder.

"Are you okay ?" He asked.
"Can we just stay like this for a little bit" I whispered.
"Okay" he said.
Silence.
"You okay?" He asked once again.
"No... No I'm not okay. I'm hurting. I'm hurting so badly." I whispered.
Silence.
"It's like I can't breath like someone took my heart out and replaced it with something sharp and jagged and its puncturing everything so I can't breath" my voice barely audible as tears filled my eyes.
"It's okay. It's okay not breath for a little bit. It's okay to feel like that" he said patting my head.
"I'm scared... I'm scared that this feeling won't go away that I will be stuck like this permanently.... I'm scared" I sobbed.
He suddenly sat up grabbed my face "look at me! You will breath again. You will be happy again. You will love again I can promise you it. Don't ever feel alone because you won't be!" He said.
"Are you sure?" I sobbed.
"Yes of course I'm sure look at me" he said his forehead wrinkling with how serious he had become.
"When? When will it stop hurting?" I said as another set of tears dribbled down my face and onto his hands.
"When you want it to" he said.
"I just can't believe it. I had my whole future planned out. I loved him so much" I said sobbing pathetically.
"Look at me it was for the best because you get to make your future about you now and not someone else" he said smiling at me.
"I'm scared i don't know if I can" I said as I looked him in the eyes.

He was frustrated. He was a gorgeous reflection of frustration and I was the sobbing mess in his hands. He bit his lip and then I felt his lips touch mine. Everything stopped. I couldn't breath I was feeling his lips on mine and his hand threaded themselves into my hair. I didn't know what to do but slowly my eyes closed and I kissed him back. I knew I shouldn't but it didn't stop me as I kissed him back. I knew this kiss was going to be my disaster but I still kissed him. He tasted sweet with a hint alcohol still remaining on his lips. When he drew back from me he looking at me and smiled.

"You stopped crying" he smiled.
I looked at him wide eyes as tears started to build in my eyes. I felt this sudden weight on me as though I couldn't breath. It was a mixture of everything like it was the breakup, the sudden guilt and something completely else jumbled up in my chest and it was tearing me open and the tears began to fall again.

He kissed me again. This time it was more intense as though he was so afraid if he didn't do anything I would fall apart at that very moment and I truly felt as though I was going to...

Jonghyun p.o.v

He was so beautiful. He was so fragile and all I wanted was to stop him from shedding anymore tears. I wanted him to be happy. I wanted to watch him build himself back together.

God knows why I kissed him. I just did it. He tasted salty with residue tears remaining on his lips. I kissed him because I felt as though he was going to fall apart. As though a kiss would keep him together.  When I held his face in my hands I wanted to make sure he wasn't going to leave. I wanted him to stay to hold him. So when I looked at him after kissing him he  was even worse. He was falling apart and I was desperate to stop him sinking. I kissed him again with more desperation to keep him afloat. I kissed him with every feeling I had for him. He kissed me back tears still dribbling down his face and I kissed his even more.

I broke the kiss and I held him. 
"Jonghyun?" He whispered.
"Yes?" I said.
"Thank you" he whispered and cuddled into me.
"It's okay" I said.

My heart ached. It ached so much that night as though if someone was reaching into my chest and was twisting it over and over again.  I looked at him he was now passed out and mumbling softly to himself in his sleep.

How did this drop of water fall into my desert? How did you become so close yet so far away?  When did you become something more than a stranger at a party asking for me to drink tequila?when did you become all these things?

I sighed rubbing my face. I was so exhausted it was exhausting being this exhausted. I leant against the wall and closed my eyes. When I opened them he was looking at me his face wrinkled with confusion.

"You don't remember?" I asked.
"No... No what happened?"

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Authors notes
Hey guys I hope you are liking this one I'm trying not to start it and never finish it like I have with so many of the fan fictions I create haha I'm really putting my heart and soul into this one. Im using some of my real life experiences in this one which I hope gives this fan fiction a little more depth than the others but anyway thank you for reading
Lots of love mamasaffy xx