Time To Live.

Redemption.

I'm certain many looked at this title and are thinking what is she trying to redeem. Its not a what exactly, its a he. Such as the love he offered me and I was too dumb to realize the one in front of me is actually the one that was made for me. Yeah,I get it its totally a cliche. But I'm okay with that, as long as he is my cliche. 4 years of crushing, sadness, but most importantly love. But not the kind of love that you see in the movies, the REAL love the type of love that helps you know. Helps you realize that its never gonna be perfect like the movies. The bad boy isn't gonna go for the nerd and it be all a perfect ending in the end. Or the popular girl like the broken depressed boy. Its not like that at all, don't get me wrong sometimesI guess that will happen. but the real love that I'm referring to is the love that you don't get tired of. The love that no matter how many times you try to duplicate you cant. just for the simple fact that love is the love that you shouldn't let go of. that love that you feel is real, its true and pure.

Those who say love isn't real, often the ones that believe their past lover has moved on, or someone who just thinks love isn't out there for them. It is!! you cant ever give up hope it is out there for you.Its jut waiting for you to go out and catch it. Its not impossible to find love it doesn't come once a year or at a certain moment of your life. Love is so unpredictable, never did I think I would fall in love with someone like him. Hes so perfectly imperfect. I haven't given up and I don't think I ever will. From making profiles that weren't me to make sure he was okay to stalking twitter accounts. I will never not care about him. He will always be my true love I guess. Love sometimes just gives you the right person but not at the right time. I feel that is what happened with him and I.. . but maybe this is the time I was supposed to wait for I guess. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but I can tell you right now this kid has changed my life. I never knew I could care so much. All I ever do is worry:

worry if hes okay

worry if hes happy

worry if he still loves.. .

I have fucked up so many times I'm not proud of it. I'm so scared. I know why. my parents I guess. I don't want to end up like them. I have commitment issues. I wish I could tell him that. I'm scared that I'll end up like them. It started when I was very young, they were having a huge fight and my dad threw a lamp and punched walls. Although, he didn't lay a hand on my mother but the only thing that I can think of is, will he? No matter how many times I tell myself I know the guy I want wont do that. How can I be sure, I know he wants my happiness before his own, I get it. I love that, I love him. but I wish he could understand I guess. granted I never told him why I'm so damn scared. Maybe I'll get the courage but until then I guess I'll just think about it.

about him.

how he smiled when he'd see me

how he hugged me so tight, protecting me from myself

the way he could talk me out of self harming

the way he could make me laugh even when I didn't want to

the way he kissed me, like every kiss we had could be our last

the conversations we had, I still go back to read those. every 'I love you' it still gets to me. The way I love him, its something I cant exactly explain.I cant let this go, I've tried. I always come back to this same old love. This love that I cant forget. I get in my head that I can get over it, its just young love. but its not. its my forever. ill always love him:

ill always want to be with him

ill always crave his attention

ill always crave his lips on mine

no matter how hard I try I cant get him off my mind, just the thought of him makes me smile. thinking back to the night we first 'made it official' that night made me love skittles even more. it made that candy, not just a candy. every time I see it or think of it, I think of that night. and it just makes me smile and my heart beats a little faster. it just.. .

I've always believed in fate

and I think its my fate to be with him. I cant help thinking about him. .I cant help to smile when I hear his name.. gosh I really miss him. hasn't even been 2 months yet and I miss him like crazy. I know its my fault but.. . I don't know how to start a convo. Like:

Can I just start it back from the start?

Can I just try to catch up to in the hallway and say something?

Say I wanna cut your ankles off lol. (I'm sure everyone reading this is very confused by this statement but its cute if you'd understand lol)Try to flirt with you even though you never understood why I always tried to talk to you?

Can I go back to that night?:

The night that changed everything,

The night that made this whole crazy train of emotions, the ups and downs.

The night that started the best thing that had happened to me

The night when the smile on my face was legit

The night I spent smiling, because the only thing I could think about was you.

1019 words and honestly I could go  on for 1000 more. But to not bore anyone I'll just be going and stop typing..