The Empty Shell

Entry Four: Is There a Path Ahead?

  Grace,

Today is 8/17/2016You'll be eighteen in a little over a week. You're moving to Martin, TN for school in two days. You'll be free. You'll be on your own. You'll be good-- you'll be good. You're going to prove them wrong. You're going to prove to them that you can be smeone. It's been a while since your head has been filled with concrete. Your medication changed. You failed three classes at Nashville State, and it seemd like the world was crashing down on you then. You couldn't see the light. But you made it through. You made it through.

I can't tell you that the next few years will be perfect. I can't promise that the next few months or even days will be perfect. But I can promise you that things do get better--no matter how long they may take.

I can't tell you how incredibly life-changing this past summer has been for you. Being a counselor at CCSC did so much good for you. You were away from all those troubles suddenly. You had friends. There was constant simulation to keep you going at every moment of the day. Taking care of those kids.....seeing their lives being affected by you made it so much more clear as to what your purpose in this life is. You believe in living life to learn lessons. The lesson that you have learned this past year is that independence is the absolute best therapy for you that culd have ever happened. Being away from your family--being away from the pressure to be perfect and to make them proud makes every bad thought leave your head. Sure, there are days when you just want to it in a corner by yourself, but everyne has those days. They are normal. They are completely valid feelings to have. They will pass. I promise you this.

I don't know when you'll read this next, but I hope school is going well. I hope you've found the friends that will be in your life forever. I hope they raise you up and make you want to improve yourself. I hope you've lost weight--not to be "pretty" but to be healthy. I hope you've realized that you truly are a beautiful person, and that you don't need makeup to show it. I hope you are succeeding in ways that you want to succeed. I hope you're not doing everything you are doing just to please someone else. I hope you are taking time for yourself. I hope you are better. I hope you are good. I hope you are good.

I don't want you to dwell on that past, but I want to say these things to make you see how far you've come. You have not cut in years.You have stood up for yourself several times to your mother and family.You have stood up and spoken out for other people.Any tear you have cried have not been in self-loathing.You are starting to think about the future instead of a grave.You still haven't done drugs, smoked, or had sex.You have respect and dignity for yourself.Your morals have held firm, but change with your personal growth.You have realizzed that it is okay to not be the person that everyne else wants you to be.You are starting to do things for yourself--i.e. dying your hair pink soon!You have excitement.You have emotions other than numbness.You are good.You are still good.

I want you to write a response to this draft when you read this again. I don't know when that will be. It could be in a few weeks, or it could be in a few years. You never know what life will throw at you. But that's the beauty of it. You don't have to be prepared. Take a chance. Take a whim. Enjoy the small things. Be spontaneous. Don't forget to live.

Until next time,A Feeling, Fleeting, Fabulous Person,Grace Ann Borum --Age 17--