my poor baby is so sad yet he still looks so good. it's not fair.
so if this is complete shit i'm so sorry. i'm trying i swear.//
"How can I sleep if I don't have dreams? I just have nightmares."
Staying Up by The Neighbourhood
Harry's POV:
Hating yourself is a disease.
It's just as bad as any physical, tangible sickness that eats away at your skin or puts you in a hospital bed with a monitor constantly beeping at your side. If anything, it's a hell of a lot worse. At least with a physical illness there are two options: cure it or die from it. This needle in my skin filled with just another sin to get me through the day hurts so much more than any potential ailment that could rake through my body. The chest racking sobs that soothe me to sleep at night after a healthy dose of whiskey plague my mind more than a thousand knives stabbing into my insides.
But none of those things can compare to the nightmares.
Nightmares of the monster I have slowly become. Nightmares holding all of my past mistakes and regrets, amplifying them, twisting them into demons sent straight from the pits of hell to torment me until my eyes can open and I can actually fill my lungs with desperately needed air. Nightmares looping videos showcasing my craving for the toxins I inject into myself before I shoot awake and quickly give in to my cowardice.
I am nothing but a coward.
And it's my cowardice that has me jerking awake after another flash of a nightmare ransacks my mind and puts goosebumps all over my body. I sit up on the lumpy, old bed and run my hands down my face, feeling week old stubble and sweat from the terror of remembering who I've become. I wipe away the few tears that must have fallen while I was asleep. It's then that my mantra blindsides me like a sack of bricks, causing me to croak out the meager words.
"I will not be afraid."
It sounds pitiful even to me. My sleep coated voice and dry mouth cause the words to sound brittle and useless to the dead air around me. I clear my throat, lick my cracked lips, and try again.
"I WILL NOT BE AFRAID." //an: The 100 af//
The words echo and bounce across the still room until they slowly fall away with the rest of reality. As I feel the pull of a flashback, I quickly shake my head, trying to rid it of the painful memories that continue to torture me. Eventually they fade, and I'm left with tremors running through my body. I abruptly stand to avoid any more dives into my past. I let my gaze pass around the quaint room of my apartment. I notice the stack of books on my desk, tucked into the far corner before realization hits me. Today is the first day of semester.
I spin to look at the clock on my bedside table. 7:38. I breathe out a sigh of relief since my first class doesn't start until 9:00. I hurry to my dresser, narrowly missing hitting my shin on the corner of the bed frame, yanking open the middle drawer. I pull out a simple white t-shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans. I throw them on the bed behind me and then turn to open the bottom drawer, rummaging for a clean pair of black boxers. After I find them, I race to get to the door, wanting to shower before any of my roommates get there.
I exit my room, and peer around the living room that sits in the middle of the apartment, noticing Liam sprawled out across the black leather couch. I tiptoe past him, turning the corner, noticing the bathroom door wide open. I enter as quietly as I can, stripping down as I flick on lights and get the water running with the perfect temperature. I look at myself in the mirror for a second before I get in, frowning at my reflection. My eyes are puffy and red from crying while my hair looks greasy and is sticking up in all directions. I jump in the shower, taking my time to wash my hair with the musky smelling shampoo and lathering my body up.
After I rinse off and exit, I take a second to analyze the track marks on my arms. I grimace for a moment and run my fingers down the slightly bruised areas.
"I'm gonna have to switch to my feet." I mutter out and then shudder. It's so much more painful to do it between your toes but if that's what it takes to be less obvious, then I'll do it. I shake my head and put on the boxers, adjusting my length slightly so it's more comfortable. I struggle to pull up the tight, black skinny jeans, having to wiggle around a bit before they're all the way up. I throw on the white t-shirt as I leave the steamy bathroom, choosing to ignore the mirror in fear of what it would show.
As I step back into the living room, I hear Liam start to move. Before I can run back to the safety of my room, he notices me.
"Hey Harry?" he murmurs while blinking sleep out of his eyes.
"Yeah Li?"
"Can you um," he pauses for a moment, rubbing his head, "can you get me some Advil and water from the kitchen please? This hangover is gonna kill me."
I mutter a quick "sure" before walking back towards the kitchen. I grab what he asks for and head back towards him. I find him sitting up with his face in his heads. I clear my throat loudly so he looks up. His hair is ruffled and a bright smile is stretched across his face. I give a small smile back and hand him the water and pain reliever. He swallows them back and gulps down the rest of the water, setting the glass down on the table after he's done.
"Haz, you know I love you right?"
Uh oh. Here it comes. Liam's paternal instincts.
"Yeah Li. I love you too."
"I just want you to know that I hope whatever it is that's making you hurt so badly gets better. I miss the old Harry. Not the one that shoots up."
I stiffen at this and open my mouth to defend myself but nothing comes out. He notices my awkward pause and looks up at me.
"Don't even try to deny it. Louis told me about the marks last week. I'm not telling you to stop man. We all have our demons. Just try to fight them every once in a while, okay? Me and the lads will be here to help."
I nod quickly while looking down to hide the tears swimming in my eyes. I shuffle back to my room to grab my keys and phone. As I leave, I hear Liam sigh softly. I say a quick goodbye before shutting the door behind me. I lean against it for a moment, trying to keep my cool before stalking off towards campus.
//
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^^^my wife I swear.
so this is shorter than the other chapters will be
im expecting the first two to be short to kind of just introduce the characters and after that theyll be much longer
