Broken from the Dark

ch. 11

Hurt

Regret 

Loss 

Pain 

Those are all words to describe the last two weeks of my life. Nothing much has happened because I didn't even see Carter all all since he called me a freak show at the hospital. Mind you, it was also right after he kissed me and right after I thought things were heading in the right direction. 

To top it all off, I've been over stressing because the police called and pushed back my court date to even farther so I realised this whole thing was stupid. I really am trying though because I always fullfull promises but police nowadays are retarded and I swear, every generation they get worse. My sister kept trying to give me sympathy but I refused to be pitied. Her life was just as hard as mine as we had the same parents, same lifestyle. She was just a few years ahead of me. 

I sliced the knife across my arm forming the eleventh cut on my left wrist this week. It felt painfully good as guilty as I was to admit it. I've been trying to text Carter but he hasn't even responded. He hasn't showed up to school either which worried me for some odd reason. Probably skipping was my first thought but then I thought even for Carter, that seemed a bit low. If anything, I should be the one ignoring him because wasn't I suppose to be angry at him? Furious? Well here I was worried about him! For fuck's sake what the hell does he have that I can't stay away from? Nothing! I have to hate him! 

I felt so weak that I could let him hurt me so much but still be the one worried about him when he should be apoligising to me. Life doesn't work like that though because Carter Logan was on top of my mind at all times as much as I hated it. As much as I despised the fact that he could just insult me like I was a piece of rubbish after protecting me for so long and actually making me believe that he cared for me even a little bit. How stupid of me to think that for a second, he actually possibly, could care for me enough to not hurt me like everyone else. As much as I hated the fact that he was half the reason I was cutting. Because he was the only person to make me feel somewhat alive and then he threw me away like I was never anything to him. Like he never spent those weekends with me. Like he never kissed me. 

I sound like a girl don't I? Well who gives a fuck because right now I feel like moping around until I can curl up into a ball and die. I hate life. Life is such a cruel thing. I wished Carter had never saved me from jumping because then I wouldn't have had to experience that same person who said I should live, hurt me like everyone else in my life did. 

All these weeks, months, that I have known Carter, every day made me question myself more and more if I would be able to keep my promise. Afterall it is human nature, right? Nobody can live without feeling like they could possibly love someone. Did I love Carter? Absolutely not. Did I like him like a little teenage relationship type of love? Of course I did. I will shamefully admit that fact but right then I despised him. He turned his back on me after practically saying he wanted me. 

My phone buzzed, blinking me out of my thoughts as I washed the blood off my arm and dried it with a towel. I picked up my phone from my bed and my whole world froze in place. How is it that one simple little text message can get your heart to skip a mile a minute. And I don't mean in the cheasy, romantic way. I mean out of fear.

I bet you're all thinking it is a text message from Carter or something. Well it's not. Even worse. A text from my mother glowing on the screen waiting to be read. I slowly slid my finger across the screen and opened messages. The deadly words on my screen taunting me and forcing me to remember that night that I always try to forget. 

Flahsback

I walked up the driveway to hear screaming and yelling like I always do. I walked in and immediately went straight up to my room, not thinking twice. I threw my bag onto my bed and peeked my little head around the corner to see mummy and daddy fighting. This time it was something about how I wasn't his kid so he had no responsibility or something like that. I sighed and sat on my bed looking out the window. These fights usually lasted awhile so no way will they be done any time soon. 

After a hour of hearing screaming and fighting, everything went silent. I got up and hesitively got up and crept down the hall. The thing I saw next was something I wish I could take back seeing. I wish I could go back in time and never leave my comfortable bed. Daddy on the floor dead and mummy above him. 

End of flashback

The words seemed to glow in their own way. What didn't make sense though was why they were there. Mother already knew that I knew she killed him. So why did she feel the need to text me that she killed my father? It just didn't make sense...Then it all clicked. She was turning herself in! It made no sense as to why she was doing this. Surely there is a missing piece to this that I'm missing. Did she know about the court date? She couldn't know about that. I never told her. 

I wasted no time in my next step of fullfilling my promise. I made sure the text was still there even though it was physically impossible it could be gone unless I accidentally delete it which would be horrible. I slipped on my jeans and converse and ran out the door. I was on a mission and I had to do this quick. 

Don't worry Daddy. I'm coming