Darker Than Death || CaptainSwan

Prologue

This feeling..

Where do I begin to explain it? I guess I should start from the beginning.

My name is Emma Swan and my parents abandoned me on the side of the road. I was found by a seven year old boy and from there, I was put into the foster system and let me tell you, it was hell. Bouncing from home to home. Some of the families that fostered me practically used me as a slave. Some of the families went as far to abuse me. Don't get me wrong, some of the families I stayed with were wonderful and kind to me. But only about 10% of the time did I actually enjoy the families I stayed with.

When I was 15 years old, an amazing family took me in. I loved them. While I stayed with them, I went to a great high school that was in Boston. And I even made a friend.. His name was Killian. I was happy. Killian and I practically hung out together every day.

But one day, the woman taking care of me found out she was pregnant. She sent me back, saying she didn't want a teenager when she had a baby on the way. Even her husband agreed with her.

When I was finally happy with my life, I had to move away. From the family I thought had loved me and even from Killian, a person I couldn't be away from for more then two days without going crazy.

My life came crashing down. After that, I went back to bouncing from home to home. I became depressed. I had severe anxiety. I began losing weight because I thought maybe if I was thinner and prettier, people would like me more. But sadly, my life only became worse. No one wanted a depressed kid.

After high school, I didn't go to college. I didn't want to. I had no motivation to do anything. I no longer cared about education. All I could feel was pain and loneliness.

No one even bothered to ask me why I was sad and depressed all the time now. They didn't care.

And now? Now I have no one. There's no one that even notices me. To everyone else I am just invisible.

So here I am. 21 years old and living in an apartment, alone. I have a shit job at a coffee shop. My co-workers don't even know I exist. The only one that notices me is my disgusting boss. Everyday I have to deal with him hitting on me and trying to touch me. I know what you're thinking; I should just quit. But here's the issue..I can't. This job alone is barely helping me get through life.

Life. I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to have to deal with my shit life anymore. I am sick of always feeling like people are judging me, I am sick of feeling alone, I am sick of feeling this..feeling.

Depression is like living in a dark tunnel with no light at the end, and no air to breathe no matter how deep a breath you take.

Then there is anxiety. It is overwhelming, consuming and it's like it takes your breath away with zero effort, and leaves you feeling completely exhausted.

Now imagine having both. Having both anxiety and depression makes you feel everything, yet nothing all at the same time.

But no, that's not all. There's also the anorexia. The anorexia is probably the worst of all because not only is it in my head, but it also effects my body and my health. Every time I look into a mirror, I see fat. I see ugly. I see nothing good. So I continue to try to lose weight. That means cutting out most meals of the day and exorcizing all the time.

My mind is constantly pounding and telling me that I am still not good enough and that I need to lose more weight. So I believe that voice in my head. No matter how many people tell you that you look thin, the voice inside your head will always tell you otherwise.

I cannot explain the hate I feel towards myself after I eat food. If I eat something, I will think about it for the rest of the day and for most of the night.

Every morning I have to put practically pounds of makeup on just to cover the bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep. That's right, I don't get much sleep and it is all thanks to the voices in my head telling me to kill myself. To just end this pain that I feel. Some nights I don't even sleep because of it and I hate it.

I am now on antidepressants because of all this shit. But let me just say..they don't seem to work very much. Sometimes I think about just swallowing all of the pills and overdosing. I wouldn't even have to bother writing a suicide note because no one would realize I was gone. But when I get ready to just end everything, I  back out because I don't have the courage to do it.

No, that does not mean that there is some part of me that still wants to live. I would do anything to die. The thing I'm scared about is what would happen if I failed. If I failed to end my life. What would people think of me?

I know one thing is for sure.

If someone were to hand me a gun and give me the option of life and death, I would point that gun at my head and pull the trigger.

So..there's a bit of my fucked up life.

I no longer feel like there is a place for me in this world.

But, what I don't know yet is that soon, someone will be entering back into my life that Is going to change everything.

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A/N: Yay, I have finally started a new story! I am just warning you now, it is going to be very depressing and I apologize for it. But I guess it's just a way for me to vent. I have wanted to write a story like this that I can come to when I am feeling down and I finally started it.
So, even though it is quite depressing, I hope you enjoy this story :)