Darker Than Death || CaptainSwan

Chapter 4

I clench my teeth in frustration.

"Why can't you get this threw your thick skull? There is no saving me," I scoff and roll my eyes. "Don't you get it, Killian? I'm already dead. I have been for years. I'm not living. I'm just..breathing! But just because I'm breathing does not mean I am alive."

"Emma, I get it. You feel like there is nothing to live for-"

I cut him off before he can speak me. "No! Killian, you don't get it. You don't understand this! You don't understand the pain that I am going through. You don't understand that every  time I look in the mirror, all I see is fat, and ugly. There is this damn voice in my head telling me to kill myself. Every time I speak, the voice tells me that I am going to fuck up. That I am going to stutter and screw something up. You don't get the anxiety I have when I simply speak to someone because of the voice inside my head. So do not tell me you understand. Because as much as you may think you understand, you don't. There is so much that you won't understand about me," I scream at him.

There is so much shit that he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that all of this is because of him. He doesn't understand that my depression, anorexia, and anxiety all started because of him. No. It was because of me. Because I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough for all of the families that just through me out of their homes like garbage. I am the reason for my constant pain.. It's all my fucking fault. I can't blame him..

"Killian-" I begin to apologize, but he stops me.

"No, Emma. You're right. I don't understand. I don't get your pain, so maybe I should just stop trying to help you. God, why did I even try to help you? When all I get in return is..is this? You ducking screaming at me, when I try to help?" He clutches his clothes to his chest. "Maybe I should just leave. So I can just stay out of your way, because it is clearly what you want."

He begins to walk towards the door, as tears flow down my cheeks. "Killian, wait, please. I didn't mean-"

Before I can finish my sentence, he slams the door shut.

Fuck! What the fuck is wrong with me?! I screw everything up! I can't do shit right!

I walk over to my desk and pick up my blade and lift up the sleeve to my shirt. Biting my lip, I press the piece of metal to my skin. I feel as the sharp metal digs into my skin and the crimson red blood flows down my wrist.

Over and over. Cut by cut. The more cuts I make, the deeper they get. I do it until I realize my own lip is bleeding from how hard I was biting it. Dropping the now bloody blade, I press my fingers to my lip. When I pull back my hand, I see blood covering my fingers.

God. I'm such an idiot.

My eyes travel to my blood-covered wrist and my breath hitches in my throat. It looks as if my arm was torn to shreds.

I press my hand to my wrist to try to stop the bleeding, but it doesn't help. Shit! What have I done?!

I run to the sink in the bathroom and begin to wash off the blood from my arm. But as soon as the blood is gone, more blood is replaced. I then run to the cabinet in the kitchen and grab a bandage. I wrap the bandage around my wrist, tightly.

I wince at the excruciating stinging pain that is coming from my wrist. I then lay down on my couch and cry. I cry and cry until I fall asleep.

•••

When I wake up, I look over at the clock on my my wall to see that it is now 6:00 pm. Wow. I slept through the entire day.