500 Days of Freya (Merlin)

Suicide

Chapter 41

Warning/s: suicide mentions, please don't read if you could be triggered!

Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.

A/N: This is really terrible, I'm so sorry

Prompt: "On the anniversary of Freya's death, Merlin contemplates joining her in the afterlife. He is found by Arthur and the knights." – Aithusa Vase

Merlin had everything he needed. A knife, a lethal potion of Gaius's, some strawberries in his pocket (to give to Freya, of course) and a piece of parchment along with a quill and ink pot. If he was going to go from this world, he deserved to leave behind an explanation.

He had several ways he could do this. He had purposely climbed to the tallest tower in Camelot's castle so he could plunge off the edge, he had a knife to slice open his wrists, or he could swallow the vile tasting liquid in the bottle.

Before he could decide, he thought maybe he should write the note. He hardly knew where to begin: nobody, not even Gaius, knew exactly how much Freya meant to him, and the knights and Arthur didn't even know of her existence. Maybe he could start by explaining about her, and then go on talking about why he had been driven to such drastic action to meet her. He was about to put pen to paper when he heard rapid footsteps thudding up the tower.

Panicking, Merlin hastily swiped his materials to the side and covered them with his jacket, shivering in the cold night air. He didn't know who was coming – a guard, probably – but in any case, he didn't want anyone knowing. He would engage in polite conversation and then carry on with his plans once they had gone.

"Merlin!" came the cheerful voice of Gwaine. "Been looking for you." There was something odd about his tone, though, a kind of forced cheer to it that sounded nervous.

"Oh?" Merlin said politely, though now he was beginning to become anxious. The knight was never nervous about anything; was it possible that Gwaine knew Merlin was planning something? He quickly banished that thought; how could he know? He smiled when the usual band of knights followed behind him, and surprisingly, so did Arthur.

"The guards said you came up here," Arthur said. He was a lot less subtle than Gwaine (which was an impressive feat indeed) and his anxiety shone clear through his tone.

"In fact, they came to find us and tell us you were up here," Leon clarified, sharing a meaningful glance with the others.

The anxiety seeped back into his stomach. "Why?" he asked, still acting as nonchalant as he could. He resisted the urge to check that his jacket was covering everything, but knew that would only be suspicious. He felt rather vulnerable with him seated on the ground, and the knights towering above him.

"They just thought we should know," Elyan put in, moving to sit by Merlin. The warlock had mixed emotions about this: whilst it was less intimidating, especially with the other knights following Elyan's examples, they were too close to him and his materials for comfort.

"Oh," Merlin said again, refusing to meet anyone's eyes. He scratched at the inside of his wrist nervously, unaware that everyone was watching the action.

"It's cold," Percival said. "You should put your jacket on." He leant forward to pick up the jacket but Merlin jerked forwards anxiously, shaking his head.

"What's under your jacket?" Arthur asked, in a surprisingly gentle tone. He tried to make eye contact with his servant, but Merlin was unwilling to do anything but stare at the floor. The King sighed; this was only confirming his fears. When the guards had interrupted his sleep to inform him that his manservant had been spotted heading to the highest tower, equipped with a knife and a bottle of a vile concoction, he had rushed to gather his closest friends and they'd all rushed up.

Merlin thought nobody had seen him, but evidently the guards had and he hadn't bothered to conceal what he was carrying on his way up. His mind had gone into overdrive with this; what to do? He didn't want to tell them about Freya now – he was only comfortable with them learning about her after his death, when he didn't have to see their pitying faces and Gwen's tears at what he'd gone through.

"Merlin," Arthur said again, a little more impatient this time. "We know. We don't know why, but we do know that something's up."

Again, Merlin refused to say anything. Seeing that Arthur was becoming impatient from anxiety, Gwaine took over. "Mate, the guards saw you, and they told us. We know what you're planning; we want to know how we can help."

Something inside Merlin snapped at the knight's unusually gentle tone. "Can you bring people back from the dead?" he asked peevishly, still refusing to look up.

"Well, no," Gwaine admitted.

"Then there's nothing. Just let me do it."

He heard a sigh to his right, but from which knight he couldn't say. Then there was a rustling as someone pulled his jacket from his supplies, and a muted gasp from everyone.

"You seem pretty determined, mate," Gwaine said, trying to make light of the situation. There was a tinkle as he picked up the glass bottle. "I mean, belladonna's pretty strong stuff."

"It needs to be," Merlin said softly. He had so much magic inside him that he needed to be able to overpower it. "I need to make sure it goes right."

"Why?" Arthur asked, his voice full of desperation. "What could make you want to do this?"

Merlin considered not answering for a second, but eventually the silence dragged on for so long that he felt he had to say something. "Five years," he said quietly, finally looking up. "Today. Since Freya died."

An involuntary wince ran through him as he said her name, and he busied himself with shrugging his jacket back on when Percival handed it over.

"Who was Freya?" Elyan asked, shuffling a little closer.

Merlin sighed. Maybe he should tell his friends. "She was a druid girl."

"And you liked her?" Arthur asked, in a one which suggested he meant "of course you fell in love with a druid girl of all people Gods Merlin why can't you just like one of the serving girls".

"A lot," Merlin confirmed. "We were going to find somewhere to live together. She didn't have a good past. But someone misunderstood her – they thought she was a danger because she had the druid mark, even though she never used magic – and killed her." He decided to not tell the full story; he didn't need Arthur's guilt complex right now.

"That's terrible," said Percival, softly, to his right.

"I miss her too much," Merlin said morosely. "I want to join her."

"This isn't the way," Arthur said gently. He carried on, but Merlin was no longer listening. He was planning. While the others were here, he wouldn't be able to join Freya. She might be upset at his actions, but he knew she would really be happy that he was there. So he needed to get the others to leave him again.

"I know it isn't the way," Merlin said suddenly, cutting Arthur off. "I acted rashly." His voice was wooden and stiff, but nobody else seemed to notice. What happened next was a blur: the knights congratulating him, Arthur helping him to his feet, and the door to the stairwell being opened.

Merlin allowed the knights to go first, following them. Then, with a flash of his eyes, he slowed time and rushed back to the turret. He bounded up gratefully, standing on the edge, and let time resume itself. The knights realised after a second that he wasn't there, but by then Merlin was already falling.

"Merlin," Freya said sadly. "Your destiny."

"You're more important," Merlin whispered, taking her hand. Freya smiled, still sadly, and nuzzled her head into his chest.

"I love you," she murmured.

"You too."

A/N: sad ending :( leave me some more prompts?