COMA | ziam

12: Someone To Watch Over You

Music I based off of to write most of this book so far:

James Blake - Life Round Here, Retrograde

Electric Guest - American Daydream, Troubleman,

Banks - Waiting Game, Someone New,

Zayn - It's You, Bright, Truth

Amy Winehouse - Some Unholy War, Just Friends, You Know I'm No Good, I Heard Love Is Blind, In My Bed,

Feist - My Moon My Man

The XX - Angels, Sunset, Islands

Like Lust - Movement

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I'm driving into the heart of the city, cars breezing past in fluorescent reds and herds of people all drowning into shadows. My mind is chasing my conscience forward, not giving me time to catch up.

The buildings get bigger the deeper I get into the city, along with the looming panic creeping over my shoulder. My heart had felt like a swollen balloon inside my chest and my vision pulsed and blurred. I was losing my mind, trying to find him around the streets. Any sign of his towering height and his fighter-like shoulders, anything, I'd do anything to see him.

It feels hollow, inside my skin, inside this car, inside this entire world that I spin around mindlessly. There's people all over the place, crowding into bars or running across the pavement, but it feels so empty. I feel vacant yet I'm so filled with fright. I'm afraid of dying, but at the same time I feel a hammer in my heart from the danger of my impairing eyes and nettled brain, telling me to stop being so reckless. I had the shit knocked out of me, drained from my stomach and leaving me completely bare. I wasn't strong enough for this, for the outcome, to see him. I'm afraid of so many things, the love, the hate, the fear... I'm lost in the emotion.

Searching for someone who didn't want to be searched for. For someone who didn't need me as much as I needed him.

I wondered if all this time we spent adoring each other was just a misconception. If it was all just to get me back at his house so Elliot has someone to have around. To have someone who's so in love with Liam, just to leave. To just disappear so I'm left speechless and being chased out of my self.

The teenager part of me, the part where I worked aimlessly for most of my life, the part of me that was too shy to step anywhere near the city, the part of me that had never fallen in love, the part of me who was a virgin. To happiness, heartache, anger, disappointment, fear, love. I'm a person who got scared out of feeling things too early, feeling too much too young, I've been scared out of my skin about this happening.

And it did. Liam is out doing God knows what. The question inside of me is if he expect me to do this. To run out and find him like a fool in love, but, I know none of my thoughts are true. None of my insecurities were valid because it wasn't even about me, the undying answer is that Liam doesn't love himself. He lost his innocence as a teenager and fell into addiction in early years. Even through everything, the shielding, unbreakable love he has for his little boy. The relationship we have. There will always be a voice, telling him to do the things his hurt heart wanted. There will always be something better, the state of bliss that drugs give you, nothing will ever amount to that.