I Won't Say Anything At All

They'll Push You Up Against The Wall

A.N: The good thing about being suspended for 5 days, is that I get to focus on my story! I hope you guys are liking it! Comment, vote, subscribe, etc!

Grace's POV

Here I am, sitting in bed picking at my scabs on my arms and legs. All I've been able to think about lately is how fucking disgusting I am. Nobody wants me, and I don't understand why Josh is still around. He can't like me. The only thing that makes my pain better is cutting and coke. But I don't want to rely on a drug to make me happy. I already do that enough with my razors. I'm so damn sad right now. I can't trust anyone. Everytime I do, they let me down. My mind is so screwed up, and I can't think straight. All my thoughts are clouded, and jumbled up with my sadness.

For the third time this day, I go to the bathroom to puke. My throat is raw and sore from what I'm doing to myself, but it's so I can be happy. I want to be beautiful like all the other girls I see. Then maybe I'll be worth something. At this point, I'm not sure I should even be with Josh. I really really love him, but I'm such a burden and he deserves so much better then me. He deserves someone who doesn't constantly need someone there for them. I have too much bagage for anyone to handle, and I would completely understand if he left me. I don't know how much I can take before I go off the edge. And no one wants a suicidal girl. I'm not going to lie. I have been thinking about suicide a lot lately.

Eventually I crawl out of my bathroom, and reach onto my nightstand. I feel around and grab a piece of paper. Just the thing I was looking for. Deans phone number. I text him.

'Dean, it's me Grace. We met at the Halloween party a few days ago.'

He quickly replys and my phone vibrates.

'Grace, of course I remember you. What can I do for you?' he answers.

'Can you bring some more of that stuff and meet me somewhere?'

'Meet me behind the old warehouse on 31st street in 20 minutes.'

I feel like such a bad person for thinking all of these things. Somewhere in my mind I know they're not true, and that Josh really does care about me, but that evil little voice inside of me, won't let me believe it. The guilt inside of me pools up; I can't believe I'm doing this. I never thought I would get into drugs. Iv'e always been so against it, and Iv'e always known better. But when your'e so desperate for happiness, people do anything they can to get it. Even if it's false happiness. False happiness is the closest thing I have.

I quickly put on a pair of jeans and a hoodie so I can meet Dean. I grab my wallet too, figuring that he's going to make me pay for it this time.

Once I reach the warehouse, Dean is already there waiting.

“I brought you 5 grams. I figured that would last you awhile.” He said to me

“How much is it?” I ask curiously pulling out my wallet.

“Babe, I don't want your money.” He says, pushing me up against the wall of the warehouse.

He kisses me and starts to feel me up, while I struggle.

“Dean, stop. Please.” I shove him away from me.

“Fine, I just wanted a little fun hunny. It's 500$.” I give him the hundred, and take my coke and leave. I'm numb right now. I can't wait to get home.

I never want to see Dean again, but I know I'll keep in contact with him. He's my only source to my drug. I can't let him go, no matter how dangerous he is. If something were to happen, it wouldn't be the first time I was raped anyways.

I reach my apartment, and I step in. I haven't left my place in days. Now, after being in the real world for awhile, I can see just how terrible my place looks. It's dark and dingy, and it looks like a homeless person has been staying in my living room. I would clean it up, but I just don't have the energy. It could either be because my sadness is effecting me so much I can't work, or because I haven't been eating. Probably both to be honest. I take my purchase to the kitchen island, and roll out a couple lines for myself. I snort one after the other, stopping at number three. My entire body feels happy. I take this time to clean my house because this is the only time I know I'll have energy for awhile.

I love how good this drug makes me feel. The only other time I feel this good is when I'm with Josh. I really need to get help or I'm going to lose him. My mind knows this. But I keep putting it off.

*5 weeks later*

I have gotten back to work now a few weeks ago, and it's been going well. I don't pay much attention to my day. It's all the same mundane routine. Me and Josh have been getting more serious lately as well. We still haven't had sex, but we have come close to it a few times. I'm just not ready to do that yet. We have sort of ventured into our pasts a little, but only a few happy memories. He still doesn't know any of my bad secrets.

As for my drug addiction, it's gotten so bad that I owe Dean quite a bit of money. He says he will still accept sex, but thats only with some of the payment I owe him. The rest he needs in cash because he got the drugs from some big gang. I need to get the money fast, or me and Dean will both be in big trouble. What have I gotten myself into? I refuse I sleep with Dean though. I am faithful when I am in a relationship, and I certainly am not a prostitute.

I have been getting more and more shifts lately, trying to make more money to pay Dean back with. But I heard that the gang is getting restless. I'm afraid of what they are going to do...