Life As An Antisocial Fangirl

im done. {important i guess}

{Okay this is actually going to be a really serious post, so if you're just here for fun and games just skip}

I'm honestly done with a lot of things. High School, people, life. Like I hate how I use the words "I'm fine" when I'm really not. My parents complain that I don't "socialize" enough with them but unlike them it's harder for me.

There's times when I feel really lonely like there's so many people reaching out to you but you still feel lonely. Like I have friends and family but I still feel lonely.

On the outside it may not seem like it, but I am. I don't have the best self esteem either. I act like I'm confident in myself, but I'm not. I put on makeup, I make my hair nice, I do all this shit but all I see are flaws.

Someone may tell me I'm pretty but I'm not. I just don't feel pretty. I poke and pick at myself until I cry from defeat. I grab at the fat on my body and squint my eyes shut, hoping it isn't there when I open them.

I've cried myself to sleep cause of guilt, cause of heartbreak, cause of myself. I get so much pressure put onto me and no one seems to understand. I can't cry, I can't yell, I can't express my emotions.

My friend lashed out at me because she felt angry and it made me upset for a while. What annoys me is that I'm such an arrogant cold hearted prick. I act like one and it's disgusting.

Maybe it's to hide how I really feel. I constantly pick at my flaws and compare myself to others. I look at my body in the mirror and clutch at every part I hate.

I look at others and then I look at me. I care too much about what people think. I tend to get too guilty over little things. the littlest of things set me off edge, but I can't help it. Can I?

I pretend I'm okay. I say I'm okay. But most times I'm not. I keep my emotions bottled up because no one will actually understand.

I'm just done. My parents expect too much from me, they expect the perfect grades. My sister likes to pick at everything. From my opinions, to what I ship, to what act like. I feel like everyone picks on me. A lot of the times I feel isolated.

I'm sorry, I just needed to get that out there. I'm a mess I know.