The Poetry Man

The Tour Bus

Night set in as I gathered my reaming items from the home of Billy Ray.

"Thanks for letting me stay here." I told him.

"Any time partner," he replied with a warm smile, "Next time you're in Denver, remember to visit."

"Okay," I smiled back, "but fuck that I'm never coming back here later haters."

The night air was frosty as I walked down the street to the parking lot in which The Bob Duncan Experience's tour bus was parked. The only things guiding me there were my hope and some dim street lights. As I turned the corner, I wrapped the scarf tighter around my neck. Down the road I saw the bus and a few people standing outside of it, next to the door. As I got closer I saw Bob, PJ, some blonde lady, and Marty. I approached the bus.

"Hey! There you are!" Bob said with that smile that makes anyone's heart melt. I felt the blonde lady give me a look, wtf is up her butthole?

"Everyone," Bob said to, well, everyone that was present, "this is.. uh... what was your name again?"

As I was about to speak, I was cut off by the blonde. "Doesn't matter," she said, "why are they here?"

"As I was saying, they're here because we offered to give them a ride to New York. They need to get there and we have a show there, killin two children with one bus." The blonde's look got more ugly and mean.

"Okay then!" PJ said, "Let's go!"

Bob put one hand on PJ's shoulder and the other over his face with a sigh, "PJ I told you this was a one time thing, you're not in my damn band."

"Yeah," Marty said, "We don't need fricking losers here."

"But who will play guitar?" PJ said with a broken heart.

"Literally anyone but you, my stupid failure son."

"Hey," the blonde got aggressive, "don't tell him that."

"Amy," Bob said, "we know he is one. Just admit it already."

PJ started to tear up. He ran off behind the bus. Probably to cry what a baby.

"Bobby," the blonde, Amy, said.

Bob rolled his eyes and responded in an annoyed voice, "What?"

"I'm gonna miss you." She said, in a flirty tone. Ugh gross uck I don't want to be here if they get it on.

"Ew Amy you're so gross. Stop flirting with me it's, like, so annoying." Bob said. Well at least I don't have to worry about that.

 "Enough of the chit chat!" Marty said, "Let's go to New York! WOO!"

So the band and I headed onto the bus. Amy tried to get Bob to kiss her but he made a disgusted face and got on the bus instead. They must have a rough marriage.

"Alright, everyone is here." Bob said as he clapped his hands.

"Wait," Marty stopped Bob's clapping, "where's the bus driver?"

"We have one of those?"

"Sorry I'm late," A voice said from outside the bus, "I got attacked by a wild snake. It bit me." Just then, the one and only, Kylie Jenner got on the bus.

"Good! You're here! Let's get this show on the road. HAHHAHAH because we are a band and we perform shows and we are traveling on the road guys it's a funny a joke ha ha." Marty said.

"OMG Kylie that is not good what if you die????" Bob asked.

"Oh trust me, I won't die. I fought it off with my new lip kit shade, it's called Dead Snake and as you can see, it's really pigmented." She took the container with dried snake blood out of her purse and began opening it to show us the shade. Then she did a quick 30 minute tutorial on how to achieve her full lips. As she was wrapping up we heard a rustle come from the laundry basket in the corner.

"What was that, Bob?" I asked, scared of the answer I might get.

"IDK ghosts maybe? They say Colorado is haunted." Crap.

"Who says that?" Marty asked, disbelief in his voice.

"They do."

While Bob and Marty debated, I shook in my boots. Ghosts? My worst fear? I don't know if I can go to New York if I have to travel with a ghost. The basket rustled again.

"The ghosts are really active this time of year. That's what they say."

Just then the ghost coughed. Do ghost cough? The ghost broke into a coughing fit. It sounded like it might die. But that can't happen, you know, because it's dead already.  

"Omg that ghost is so annoying." Bob said, getting fed up and walking to the hamper.

He was about to open it when I yelled, "NO BOB DON'T!!! YOU'LL LET IT FREE!"

He smirked and said, "Oh please. Like a ghost could defeat me." He started flexing and, just as we were mesmerized by his rippling muscles, he opened it quickly so we had no time to stop him.

But we saw wasn't a ghost. No.

It was PJ.

"OMG PJ you stupid failure get out of the laundry basket.  I told you, you can't preform with us anymore. Leave. Us. Alone."

PJ got out of the basket with tears in his eyes. "But but."

"Hey guys," Kylie said, "is it getting hot in here? Or is that just me."

"Kylie, we have no time for your problems right now." Marty said.

"Okay." Kylie said as her faced became really pale.

"PJ we don't want you here." Bob said

"But dad I love music I want to be in a band!"

"PJ you suck at music. No wonder why PJ and the Vibe failed but The Bob Duncan Experience is still going strong."

That struck PJ right in the his feelings. He cried. Again. What a baby.

"Uh, Guys." Kylie said, looking completely out of it.

"Kylie I'm dealing with something here." Bob turned back to PJ, "Get. Off. The. Bus."

"No dad I wanna come!"

"How can you tell if a snake is poisonous?" Kylie asked.

"OMG KYLIE STOP!" PJ yelled, "AND DAD LET ME BE IN THE BAND! I'M GOOD AND YOU KNOW IT!!!!"

As PJ and Bob's debate started to heat up, Kylie heated down. And fell down. She died.

"I think Kylie just died." I said. We all stared at her body.

"Great, now we don't have a driver." Marty said.

"How am I going to get to New York City now?!?" I yelled.

''I have an idea," PJ said, "Dad, you might not like it, but it might be the only way for you to get to New York."

Bob sighed, he rolled his eyes, and made a fart noise. "What?"

"I'll drive!"

"NO! You have to leave! Anyone but you!" Bob yelled.

"Bob," Marty looked at him, "It's our only chance."

"You drive Marty!"

"I never passed by road test, Bob."

"Ugh!! How about you!" Bob looked at me, "Can't you  drive."

"They don't have cars in Okealahoma."

"And we all know you got your license taken away after doing those tricks." Marty said with a stern look.

"Yeah but you gotta admit those doughnuts were sick man." Bob high fived Marty.

Bob gave the biggest sigh he could. "Fine" was all he said before he sat down with a teed off look.

"Yes!" PJ jumped in the air, "Next stop, New York City!"

And we were off.