Broken hope

chapter 11

If i died tonight, how many people would care? How many people would cry? How many people would wish they had me back? How many people would slightly feel bad for me? How many people would wish they loved me more? How many would wish they loved me less? Maybe Zane would care, but only slightly. He's only known me for such a small amount of time, yet he knows so much. He might cry but over time i know he would heal and soon enough he would forget. Maybe a few teachers would feel sorrow, but nothing more than a pity look and gloomy day. By the next day their lives would be just like before. Some people may claim they thought my suicide was sad and tragic. But the thought would only last nothing more than second. I know my mother wouldn't care, she said so her self she rather have me dead. My father would probably hear about it and shrug as if i wasn't his daughter. You know, no one commits suicide because they want to die... they do it to stop the constant pain that never seems to end. At least in my life it never ends.

I know trying to stay away from Zane is a rude and horrible thing to do, especially after all he's done for me. But sometimes it's better to push someone away, not because I don't like them but because I have to shield myself and them from anymore pain.

I shift my head and glance at the small digital clock by my bed. 10:19 pm. I've wasted the day just sitting in my room over thinking everything. I heard a knock on the door hours ago, and i know it was Zane but i didn't answer. i couldn't. I wonder what he's thinking right now, what he's feeling. He needs to stay away for his own good. He's already had a hard enough life, getting involved with me will just make everything worse. One of us will just end up enduring more pain, caused by one or the other more likely caused by me. He's such a good person. He actually has potential in life, unlike me.

I'm a worthless mistake. A good for nothing girl that will fuck up everything. I'm broken far beyond repair.

~Age 15~

I Glanced at her worriedly. Her eyes didn't meet mine; they were locked on her shoes. She was scared to look me in the eye so she just kept her head down watching her shoes closely.

I was shocked and scared for her. I knew she wouldn't look at me, yet I still watched her. Millions of thoughts going through my head all at once. Nothing was clear, except for the obvious fact she just stated. I knew deep down about this, I just didn't want to believe it, I was in denial. I didn't want to loose someone else again. She was my only friend after Zach. It couldn't be true, it was just a fear. But today was the day I had hoped never came, but knew it would.

She lifted her head away from her shoes, looking in the distance. I noticed her eyes were glossy, showing she was on the verge of tears. I have no idea how I wasn't crying.

"I....I'm sorry" She cries out.

"It's not your fault; you don't need to be sorry. life is just unfair like this." I told her.

She didn't reply, just simply stared at nothing in particular. Her face had a sad expression, a hopeless look. She didn't want any of this to be true and she knew I didn't either. But it was no choice either of us could make. Nothing we could do to sop it.

She had brought me to the old park we hung out at. The same place Zach and I shared memories. She thought it would be a good place to tell me because we had so many good memories here, so many laughs. But we both realize now she just ruined all those good memories, just the way Zach did.

She finally gathered the courage to look me in the eyes. I was crying silently now. Looking at my sad face with tears streaming down made her break down too. Her once bright happy blue eyes were filled with hurt, confusion and sadness. I hated seeing her like this. She hated seeing me like this, it made her feel worthless and guilty. I knew it did. I felt pathetic I didn't know any comforting words to say or anything that was on the bright side. in this situation, there was no Brightside.

I couldn't stop my tears, I tried but there was no use. I break the silence filled with tears by asking,

"How much time do you have left?"

"2 and a half months." She whispered.

And just like that, those Two and a half months flew by. And the next thing I knew, I was at her funeral. crying my eyes out. trying to understand why this was happening. She never did anything to deserve death. I never did anything to deserve to loose her. She had a sickness there was no cure for, just a time limit before it killed her. Everything I love I loose.