Broken hope

Broken hope-1

The blood ran down my arm and dropped to the floor. I didn't feel the harsh pain like the first time, i had grown accustom to it, i was used to it, it no longer hurt. In a way it brought a since of relief. Like if i could change my emotional pain into physical pain it would all be better. But sometimes it didn't work. I wasn't proud of it, but it was my escape from reality. I thought that for some reason self-harming would stop me from fucking everything else up. So i did it.

I didn't do it all the time, only when i really couldn't stand the pain inside and all i wanted to do was die, that's when i did it.

when i cut myself.

I picked up the razor and slit a clean cut again over the old scars. And i watched the blood drip away.

I hated life. I hated myself.

I didn't always hate myself but i had lost everything i loved, watched everyone who said they cared walk away and let every bit of my happiness be ripped away. I lost all hope in the good, in love, in life, in myself and in others. All my hope was gone. Not one bit left. My hope was broken and i knew it. It couldn't be fixed.

I set the blade down and stumble to the bathroom. I slowly turn on the water and stick my arm underneath it, washing the blood away down the drain. I dry my arm and pull on a long sleeved shirt to cover the scars. I walk out down the stairs, my bare feet touching the cold wood floor giving me shivers.

"Hello?" I call out in a small voice. I knew there would be no answer. There never was. Nobody was ever home. It's almost as if the house was abandoned. My parents still payed the bills but was never here. I was always alone, at least since i was eight. That's when my family crumbled and broke. Right after my little brother died.

My little brother was six. His name was Joey. He was outside playing and my mother had asked me to watch him. I was playing with him, when i had to go to the bathroom. So i told him to stay right there and don't move while I quickly used the restroom. I ran inside and as soon as i finished i came running outside. Joey wasn't where i left him. I started panicking and looking for him. i frantically called out his name over and over, and then I saw him. He was in the street playing with leaves. i screamed his name and went running for him. But as soon as I got to the curb a speeding car came around the corner and hit Joey. Killing him on impact.

My mother cried and cried. I cried too. And when I went to tell my mom I was sorry. She screamed in my face.

" You! You DID this! Its your fault he's dead! I told you to watch him! that's all I asked! You killed him! Its your fucking fault! I hate you!"

I had never seen my mother like that. And right after she screamed at me she hit me over and over. Then she spat, " Your not my daughter." And ever since that day when ever my mother saw me she hit me and cried and blamed me. And now I never see her. Shes always at the bar. And once in a while when I do see her I get a beating. Because I killed Joey.

As for my father. He never, not once looked me in the eye again. he wouldn't speak to me he didn't even acknowledge my existence. He acted like I was a desise. I guess he blames me for Joeys death too. He is always at work now. So i assume. I haven't seen him once for two years now.

My parents, my own family was the one thing I loved the most. And now they hate me. I'm not even their daughter to them. The only thing I thought would love me no matter what, despises me. I hoped one day my parents would come running to me and saying their so sorry and that they love me but they never did. They never came.

Its all my fault my family hates me. I killed my brother. At first i thought it wasn't my fault. but now I know its all because of me that hes dead. Its all my fault. So i guess its reasonable that my family hates me.

Thinking about my family brings tears to my eyes. I wish i was normal I wish i could be happy. I slip on  a pair of socks and some old sneakers. And walk outside. The cold winter air touches my skin giving me goosebumps. I ignore the coldness and begin walking to the park.

As for school, i had friends but then they forgot me. They all went in their own 'groups' and i didn't belong anywhere. I'm the one in the background. The one who doesn't want to get noticed. And i want to be this way because i don't want anyone getting close. Because i know once I get close to someone and care about them it will all get ripped away from me. I will get hurt or they will. It's happened with everyone so i just gave up. It's better this way.

So now I don't hope for anything, because all my hopes never turn out and I don't love anyone because there's too much risk. I'm an alone, 17 year old girl that is hiding hurt, pain and sadness behind a fake smile. A girl that only has broken hope.

_________

I hope you like the start let me know!