The last letters

07/07/2008

* Try listening to "Nuvole Bianche" by Ludovico Einaudi while reading. It's a beautiful piano piece and makes me feel so many things. I think it would really convey this letter more xx*

Dear Rose,

I know you'll never read this. But venting emotions helps you deal with them and I really need to deal with all the emotions I feel for you now because I didn't while you were here. It's been 15 hours since we got separated and all those hours were spent missing you and trying to contact you again. I will contact you, no matter what it takes. I just need to know that in some universe you are happy and you are safe and you are the same ray of sunshine you always were. After the Time War I never thought I would ever feel happy or whole ever again but you fixed it. You fixed me. You made me feel like myself again every day from then until yesterday and even while you're gone just knowing you are safe and you exist is enough. I want you to know that you are alive and you are loved and I want you to remember that every moment for the rest of your life.

I wish I had told me how much you changed me. I wish I had told you how much you helped me. I wish I had told you how I felt about you. I always thought I'd be able to save you no matter what, I convinced myself that I didn't need to tell you how I felt yet because I had so long left with you. But I didn't have long left with you, I didn't have long left with you at all. I felt like you knew. Did you? I hope you did because I think you deserved to know how brilliant you are, Rose. I want you to know that I wish with both my hearts that I could spend all my life with you. But I can't.

But I also hope you had no idea because I don't want the ghost of my feelings to haunt you. I want you to move on and get married and have children because you deserve that. I want you to be happy, even without me. You're like this big gold star in my life and for some reason you chose to travel with me. I don't want you to fade out. You can't. You're brilliant Rose Tyler and you're going to live on and you're going to find someone else and you're going to continue being a star without me. You need to shine without me, that's how much I care about you. You fixed me Rose and a million letters couldn't describe how grateful I am for that. I'd hate for you to spend the rest of your days thinking about me even though I'll spend mine thinking of you.

I'm sorry it ended like this. I never got to tell you any of this. But I will. I'll talk to you again if it's the last thing I do. I'll find a way, I promise you. I promised myself when I met you that I would never let you get hurt, and I'm sorry that if it weren't for Pete grabbing you you'd be dead. It was my fault. God, I'm so sorry Rose. I'm sorry for everything. I'm so sorry for putting you in harms way so often. And I'm sorry for not telling you what you meant to me.

I took you with me when I travelled because I wanted to spend time with you, and because you deserved to see the stars. But also because I wanted to make you happy the same way you made me. I wanted to make you smile so much you feel like you could never stop, I wanted to make you feel like sunlight was surrounding you every day, I wanted to make happiness swell inside you all day every day for the rest of your days. But I can't.

And I'm sorry for that. I think I need to stop writing now because tears are welling up in my eyes and I can't see what I'm writing anymore. I'm sorry for that too.

- Your Doctor