Finding Myself

Chapter 3

"Would you consider being my little?"

The words hang in the air and bounce around inside of my head. I'm stunned. I definitely wasn't expecting this question. My first reaction would be to immediately say yes, but I stopped and made myself think about it.

Biting my lip, I remembered the last relationship I had hurried into and how well that went. I shuddered. Abigail sat stone still, watching and gauging my reaction. I realized that she still needed an answer.

"I... Uh... um..." I stuttered. I didn't know how to put my thoughts into words. "It's just that I... Um..."

She watched me intently, her eyes encouraging. I could tell that she was slightly amused. I brushed my hair away from my face and took a steadying breath.

"Listen, Abigail, I really would love to be. I would. But I don't know much about you even though you now know a ton about me." I took another shaky breath and continued. "The last relationship I rushed into... Let's just say it didn't end well for me. I don't really want to take that chance again... So I'm going to have to say no for now."

I could tell she was a little disappointed. But then Abigail smiled warmly and I relaxed a little. I hoped that meant that she wasn't too upset.

"I understand." She said. "I don't quite know why I even asked that yet. Thank you for being honest with me. I should go back to work."

I nodded slightly. I stood and walked her to the door. Right before she stepped into the hallway and turned to me again.

"Marcus, would you go to dinner with me tomorrow? Say, seven o'clock?"

"I- uh- sure. Yeah that would be great." I blushed for what seemed like the billionth time today.

"Great." She grinned. "I'll pick you up at six thirty. See you then. And remember that you can call or text me anytime." She looked at me pointedly.

I nodded, a shy smile breaking out across my face. With that, she quickly kissed my check and turned on her heel. I watched her walk down the hall to the elevator, studying how she walked. She had a grace that I could never achieve for more reasons than one.

Abigail stepped into the elevator, waving back at me. I raised my hand as the doors closed. I turned back into my apartment and closed my own door, grinning like an idiot the whole time.

•••

I startled awake. My breathing heavy and my body drenched in sweat. Another memory turned nightmare. I pushed of the duvet and stood, shaking. I passed to the kitchen and quickly gulped down a glass of water.

It was only a dream, I told myself. I shivered. It had been real once though. Before I went back to bed, I grabbed my phone and my earbuds. Music always had a way of calming me.

I selected Joey Graceffa's 'Don't Wait' and put it on repeat. It always made me feel better. I put my earbuds in and burrowed down into my bed once more. I closed my eyes, letting the sound and lyrics wash through me.

I must have eventually dozed off because it was a lot lighter. I pulled the earbuds out and looked at the time.

"Shit!" I yelled, jumping out of bed. I was late for work.

I clambered into a pair of skinny jeans and a blue plaid button up shirt. I threw on a thin, dark sweater over that, a pair of converse and a beanie and that was it. I grabbed my keys, phone, wallet, bus pass, and the little stuffed rabbit that went everywhere with me. I shoved them all into my messenger bag and I was out the door.