Finding Myself

Chapter 5

I woke up with a jolt. My skin was flushed and sweaty but I was shivering. A few tears spilled over my kids and slipped down my face. I was so tired of the fucking nightmares. I scrubbed at my eyes with the sheets and reached for my phone out of habit. Four in the morning.

Sometime during the night I must've transitioned back again. I hated it. Being big was stressful and full of anxiety. I tapped the Netflix app and scrolled through the number of cartoons. Eventually I settled on Octonauts.

Laying back into the pillows, I held the phone with one hand and slipped my other thumb into my mouth. That's how Mommy found me two hours later. I had transitioned yet again and was giggling at the show.

"Hey boo. Why're you up so early?" She asked. She sat on the bed next to me and slipped my phone from my hand.

I let out a small whine and rolled closer to her. I was still watching that!  She gave me a stern look and set my device on the side table next to her. I slid my torso over her lap and made grabby hands at my phone as if it would magically move into my opening and closing fingers.

I whined softly again when she softly pushed my back until my head was resting on her lap. She brushed my hair of my forehead and let her hand trail down my spine. I wasn't wearing a shirt so it tickled a little, making me shiver.

"I asked you a question little boy," she said sternly but softly. "Why're you up so early?"

"Bad dweam." I mumbled. I drew my knees closer to my chest and curled into her side. She was warm.

"Oh, baby. How long have you been awake?"

"Dunno." Was all I mumbled. She was making me sleepy. She kept brushing her hand from my forehead to my rib cage in one soothing movement.

"Alright. Well I think that you still need to sleep a little longer and then we can have breakfast and run some errands. How's that sound?"

I was close enough to being asleep that a small puff of air was my only response. A few minutes later I was barely conscious enough that I felt when Mommy gently slid my head from her lap to a pillow. I whimpered softly. She shushed me softly and pet my hair. I was out within seconds.

•••

When I woke I was alone again, but still in my headspace. I crawled out from under the covers and off the bed. The air around me was cool so I pulled one of the soft blankets off the bed and wrapped it around myself.

I padded downstairs and found Mommy in the kitchen. She was cooking something and the aroma drifting from the stove was delicious. I sat down at the breakfast bar and just watched her. It took her a minute before she turned around and noticed me.

"Oh, baby boy!" She exclaimed. "You startled me. You're so quiet." She leaned across the counter and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Do you want some hash browns?"

I nodded sleepily. I was hungry. She moved around the kitchen some more then set a plate in front of me along with a fork. I started eating and she set a cup of chocolate milk next to my plate. She sat across from me and stated to eat too. We ate in silence for a while until she spoke again.

"So today we have some shopping to get done. And then Uncle Owen needs me to stop by the club. Okay?"

"Otay Mommy." Shopping sounded fun. The club not so much but considering it was my first day, I just went along with it.

"Good boy. Now when you're finished do I need to help you get dressed or can you do it on your own?"

"Myself." I replied. I was big enough to dress myself right now.