No Offense But You're Kinda Fat - l.h -a.u

Mona

My chin wresting on the lid of the large, pink plastic storage bin which was sat on my lap I watched through the car window as trees, enjoying their last weeks of life before autumn would come and strip them of their leaves, passed in a blur of varying shades of green.

Some rap song I didn't know the name of and who's lyrics I'd consciously decided to tune out after the singer bragged about keeping a gun in his Ferrari, was playing making the pounding headache situated behind my eyeballs worse.

In the seat beside me was another storage bin like the one on my lap with a third stacked on top of it which leaning precariously every time the car turned. In front of me, leaning back in his seat, crushing my knees was my older brother Evan, and next to him, in the driver's seat was our oldest brother Isaac.

Ever sense I was a kid I'd fantasized about going away to college. I'd envisioned myself in a dorm room with a roommate who quickly became my best friend, I had a boyfriend in my imaginary scenarios, my own car, a small dog that fit under my arm, I had a bed draped with fairy lights and had bikini tan lines which showed under my loose fitting sundresses.

My dreams however were quickly crumbling to a dust as the reality of the situation set in. I was going to be stuck living with my two older brother's without our Mom a floor below to act as referee when they got too annoying. I was single and likely to stay that way until the day I died, the only pet I had was the fly that was somewhere in the car, making an appearance every half hour or so, my bed was going to be a futon in a small room which was supposed to be an office, and I would be sharing with Evan's girlfriend and the only lines on my body were stretchmarks between my thighs and on my side and permanent slouch marks across my stomach where my stomach rolled over itself when I sat.

I'd tried to express to my parents that I'd much rather attend the small community college within walking distance of our house instead of the intimidating university my brother's attended two hours away, however I'd shot myself in the foot by getting straight As and high SAT scores.

Part of me had hoped my parents would be so cripplingly devastated at the prospect of having an empty nest that they'd refuse to let me leave and insist I stay with them forever, however I'd already been replaced by a German foreign exchange student.

"No, I'm telling you, now that I'm twenty-one things are going to be different."

"I don't know."

"Everyone wants to be friends with someone legal, how else do you think people get alcohol."

"Fake IDs."

"Risky. Need to buy? I know a guy."

"Is that our official slogan?"

"Yes, it'll be great, I'll pimp myself out."

Unable to tune out the conversation anymore, I interjected, "You do realize what you're talking about is illegal. It's a class D misdemeanor with a Five hundred dollar fine minimum and a year in jail maximum."

"Hey Judge Judy, didn't realize you were awake back there." Isaac said, eyeing me in the rearview mirror.

"You do realize I'll tell Mom right?" I questioned, unamused.

Isaac and Evan shared a look before Even craned his neck to look at me, "And you realize that you would be shitting on the ecosystem right?"

"What echo system."

Isaac sighed, "Mone, this is college, rules don't apply, well they do, I don't know how to explain it."

"Mom knows we drink." Evan interjected, "She must, I mean I've called her drunk, but that's beside the point. College is like Vegas."

"There's alcohol, sex, and gambling."

"No, well, yes... Depends what parties you go to, but what I mean is, what happens at college, stays at college."

"Everybody parties." Isaac added, "Except, weirdo freshman like you, but for the most part, everyone parties and unless someone gets like alcohol poisoning and dies or drives drunk, everybody kind of just looks the other way. Make sense?"

It didn't make sense, the whole thing seemed backwards and moronic but we were pulling to a stop in front of a tired looking white house, and so I offered a halfhearted shrug in response.

As soon as the engine was off, Evan's door was thrown open and a blur of pink lunged into the car.

Feeling awkward, I sat trapped by his seat in front of me and the bin on my lap as the blur tried to suck my brother's face off for what felt like a small eternity until Isaac came around and yanking my door open, shoved Evan's seat forward freeing me from the hot car which reeked of Taco Bell and my brother's sweat.

"Oh my gosh hi you must be Ramona!" Evan's girlfriend shrieked in one breath before tackling me into a hug as if we were longtime friends, "I'm Lily, I'm Evan's girlfriend, I'm so excited you're here we're going to have so much fun I can't wait to show you all the fun spots in town and on campus you're going to love it here!"

Completely overwhelmed I forced a smile and nodded, trying to understand the string of words beneath a thick accent I couldn't place.

"The boys can unload the car." She informed me, bouncing from foot to foot looking like a small child who had to pee, "Come on I'll show you our room."

Grabbing me by the hand she pulled me up the front steps, into the house, up a narrow flight of wooden stairs, and down a short hallway to a small room, which as promised contained two futons, a shelf full of textbooks and a desk that looked like an Ikea advertisement.

"This one is mine." Lily rambled, sitting down on one of the futons, "that one is yours. Feel free to use the desk, there's a bathroom next-door but it's connected to Luke's room so make sure you knock first."

Remembering having heard the name of my brother's roommate before in conversation, I nodded.

"I won't be in here much, so you'll pretty much have this room to yourself." She continued, swinging her legs making herself look minute and me feel massive, "I Sleep with Evan."

Trying to hide the look of disgust on my face I nodded.

"I'll let you get settled." She said, standing up, "I'll be around, nice to meet you."

I opened my mouth to respond, however she was gone before I could get the words out, leaving me alone.

Feeling sweaty and disgusting from the two-hour car ride and my bladder aching from the urine I'd been holding inside it, I waited until I knew she was gone, undoubtedly downstairs trying to swallow Evan's tongue, before shuffling out of the small room to go to find the bathroom.

Lily had said it was next door however she'd neglected to inform me as to which door it was.

The need to pee increasing, I choose the door on the right and knocked twice, receiving no answer I pushed the door open and nearly screamed, before slamming it shut, all thoughts of the bathroom forgotten, because it hadn't been a bathroom on the other side of the door, it was a bedroom and in it stood very naked boy.